Episode 11

Episode 11

Narrative

NICK [reading questionnaire in magazine]
Who would be your ideal holiday romance?
A] J-Lo, B] Cameron Diaz, or C] Kylie?
Yeah, mmm, difficult to choose. Huh. All three!
Ha! Ha!
What do you like most about girls on holiday:?

NICK
A] Their suntans? Yeah, OK. B] Their bikinis? Oh cor, yeah! C] Their …

ANNIE
Ironing skills?

NICK
Where do you meet girls on holiday?
A] On the beach? B] In the bar? C] On the ski slope?
Hah, on the beach, yeah, I meet lots of lovely girls on the beach, cor!

ASSORTED VOICES IN BACKGROUND
… Nick, Nick, Nick …

ANNIE
… Nick, Nick, Ni-ck …

NICK
Bah! Ah!

ANNIE
Nick, I am fed up!
I need a holiday!
We all need a holiday!

NICK
Yeah, I know what you mean!
I’m exhausted!
[Sound of Nick blowing his nose]

HECTOR [Presenting TV Travel Programme]
So – it is holiday time again and everyone is off to the airport.

NICK
Agh!

ANNIE
Oh, hello Hector.

HECTOR
They are travelling to Florida, Thailand, Egypt – and Belgium? Are you sure?!
And Belgium.
Travelling by plane, by train, and by car.
Well, maybe not by car!
This is Hector Romero, for Channel 9.

ANNIE
Oh!
Ooops! Ooh! Bridget will be furious!

NICK
[Laughing]

ANNIE
Still, maybe a new fashion!

BRIDGET
Yeah! Yes! Can he do the interview on Thursday?
No, well what about Friday? [Sound of telephone ringing] Oh, hang on.
Hello – she wants 22 dressing rooms?! Four for Lourdes and her nannies! But we’ve only got two!
Hello?
Oh, for goodness sake!
Huh! Who wants Madonna anyway?!
Hello, are you still there? [Sound of telephone ringing]
Hello, what?!
Oh, hello Eunice.
Yes, David Beckham is booked and so is Princess Caroline of Monaco. No, Madonna is not coming.
Yes, OK, Eunice, I will – ah-ah, I will, today. Bye Eunice.
What did your last slave die of?!
What I need, what I really need is a holiday.

Sound of assorted telephones ringing

BRIDGET
Oh-oh.

NICK
Go on, type New York.

ANNIE
Gatwick.

NICK
Number of nights, 3.

ANNIE
3.
OK, let’s see what they can do.
One thousand pounds?!
Oh, but that’s much too expensive – we, we must choose a different destination.

NICK
Yeah, how about Las Vegas, hah!

ANNIE
But that would cost even more, don’t be silly, Nick.

BRIDGET
What?
Is Nick being silly? I don’t believe it!
Oh, I’m so tired!

ANNIE
Oh Hector, I saw your holiday report.

HECTOR
Oh, I have just spent all day watching other people go on holidays.

BRIDGET
Oh, I can’t go on! Eunice is a witch.
She makes me work, work, work.

NICK
Why don’t you leave then?

HECTOR
Yeah.

BRIDGET
What? Leave my job?
I love my job!

NICK
Huh! Women!

ANNIE
What you need – what we all need is a …

NICK
Holiday!

BRIDGET
Mmm, a holiday!

HECTOR
Gre-at idea! Where shall we go?

NICK
Oh, I’d love to go to Las Vegas!

ANNIE
Cape Town!

BRIDGET
I’d like to go anywhere with Enrique Iglesias!

ANNIE
Hey!
What about Spain!

NICK
You speak Spanish!
You can be our guide! Hah!

HECTOR
We-ll …

BRIDGET
Enrique Iglesias speaks Spanish!

NICK
And the girls … Hmm! I can’t wait!
Hey Hector, you can translate my chat up lines!

HECTOR
Well, I’ll try!

NICK
And we can try them out! Ha ha!

HECTOR
Yeah!

ANNIE
Hector! There’s your ironing!

Laughter

ANNIE
Nick!

BRIDGET
There’s yours!

ANNIE [Composing email]
I’m exhausted. I need a holiday.

ANNIE
I need a holiday!
We all need a holiday!

HECTOR
Where shall we go?

ANNIE [Composing email]
And guess what?
We’re going to Spain.

ANNIE
I can’t wait!

NICK
Now’s the chance to try my chat up lines on Spanish girls. Ha, ha!

NICK
And the girls! Ha-ha-hmm, I can’t wait!

NICK
They won’t be able to resist me!

NICK
OK, I see a pretty Spanish girl …

HECTOR
… Hmm.

NICK
… How do I say, “I’m English, can you give me directions – to your apartment?” [Makes clucking noise]

HECTOR
Really?

NICK
Yeah.

HECTOR
OK. [Clears throat]
“Hola soy inglés… …”

NICK
“Hola soy inglés… …”

HECTOR
“… ¿Me puedes dar … “

NICK
“… ¿Me puedes dar …”

HECTOR
“… La dirección de tu piso?”

NICK
“… La dirección de tu piso?”

HECTOR
Good, but this one is better.
“Your eyes are like stars – they come out at night.”

NICK
Oh, I like it!
How do I say it in Spanish?

Laughter

HECTOR
[Clears throat]
“Tus ojos …”

NICK
“Tus ojos …”

HECTOR
“Tus ojos …”

NICK
That’s what I said.

HECTOR
OK!
“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”

NICK
“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”

HECTOR
“… Salen por la noche …”

NICK
“… Salen por la noche …”

NICK
Eh! Ha, ha!
Now, this one always works. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to kiss me, don’t you.”

HECTOR
No, I don’t.

NICK
Not you!
It’s the chat up line, stupid!

BRIDGET
Hector, are you there?

HECTOR
Yeah.

BRIDGET
Could you give me a hand with my luggage?

HECTOR
Sure.
Ay?!!
All of it?!!

BRIDGET
Yes, all of it, please, Hector.

BRIDGET
Over here, Hector, I must do a final check.

ANNIE
Gracious, Bridget, what have you got in there?

BRIDGET
Six tee shirts, three pairs of jeans, four pairs of trousers, ten bikinis, four sarongs, two skirts, two nightdresses, three pairs of trainers, two pairs of evening shoes, three toothbrushes, two toilet bags, five belts, two jackets, two cans of hair mousse and a ball gown.
ANNIE
But, we’re only going for three days.

BRIDGET
You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to – parties, balls, the opera, theatre …

ANNIE
… Oh yeah – it won’t happen!

BRIDGET
When Bridget arrives in Spain, we’ll be invited everywhere. They just won’t be able to resist!

NICK
What won’t they be able to resist?

BRIDGET
What are you wearing?

NICK
I am a toreador!

HECTOR
Oh! Oh! Olé!!

NICK
Whose is this?!

ANNIE
Bridget’s.

NICK
You are taking all that?!

BRIDGET
Yeah, why?

NICK
Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget – all you need to travel is your passport, your tickets and your money, ha-ha!

Sound of car horn hooting in background

ANNIE
That will be the taxi!

NICK
Ha-ha!

HECTOR
Let’s go!

BRIDGET
Come on, boys, give me a hand with my luggage!

Sound of door being slammed

ANNIE
Gatwick airport please.

Sound of screeching car brakes/footsteps on stairs/door being opened/closed/receding footsteps

HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE
All you need to travel is your passport, your ticket and your money, Nick.

NICK
Yeah, yeah, very funny!

Laughter

ANNIE
Wow, look at this!
It’s so Spanish!

HECTOR
Yep!
Typical Spanish hospitality.
And this is a typical happy Spanish waitress.

ANNIE
Hello!
Erm, we are from England.
And we would like a drink, please.

HECTOR
Girls, girls, girls, leave it to me.
I must translate for you. [Clears throat]
“Queremos beber algo en este bar típicamente español!”

NICK
Hang on.
I’ll talk to the lady.
“Hola soy inglés. ¿Me puedes dar la dirección de tu piso?”

ANNIE
Oh, she doesn’t look very happy.

BRIDGET
No, she looks a mess!

ANNIE
Perhaps her boyfriend has left her.

NICK
Yeah- because she looks a mess! [Laughs]

BRIDGET
Maybe he didn’t like her hair.

Laughter

WAITRESS
Well actually, he did like my hair and at least mine is natural!

BRIDGET
Ah, she understood!

ANNIE
She’s English!

WAITRESS
How did you guess?!

NICK
So, is this a traditional Spanish bar?

WAITRESS
This – is a traditional – da – English Tea Room.

HECTOR
In Barcelona?

WAITRESS
Ooh, aren’t you clever!

NICK
Leave it to me.
Please CAN WE – HAVE A DRINK?!!

WAITRESS
No!!

BRIDGET
Why not?!

WAITRESS
There are no tables.

BRIDGET
But what about this one?

WAITRESS
No.

ANNIE
Erm, or that one?

WAITRESS
No.

HECTOR
What about this one here?

WAITRESS
It’s reserved.

HECTOR
Never mind, let’s, let’s go.
WAITRESS
But erm, if you’ve reserved the table, you can come in.

ANNIE
Oh.

HECTOR
OK. [Clears throat]
Can we please reserve a table?

WAITRESS
Certainly … erm, oh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
So here we are in Spain.
I think I’ve brought enough clothes for all events.

BRIDGET
You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Spain is beautiful.

ANNIE
Wow, look at this! It’s so Spanish!

ANNIE [Composing email]
We thought we’d found a typical Spanish bar.

BRIDGET
She understood!

ANNIE [Composing email]
But it is a typical English tea room.

WAITRESS
Ooh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.

WAITRESS
Right, what would you like to drink?

NICK
Cola, please.

ANNIE
Me too.

BRIDGET
And me.

HECTOR
In Spain, do as the English do.
I will have a nice cup of tea, please.

WAITRESS
Which tea?

HECTOR
Huh?
What have you got?

WAITRESS
We’ve got Darjeeling, Kenyan, English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Camomile, Peppermint, Jasmine, Imperial, Oolong, Indian, Green and Yellow – tea.

HECTOR
I’ll have a cola please.

WAITRESS
Anything to eat?

NICK
Erm, yes please.
What have you got?

WAITRESS
Egg and chips, sausage and chips, fish and chips, cheese and chips, pie and chips and chicken and …

HECTOR, BRIDGET, ANNIE & NICK
… Chips!!

WAITRESS
… Chicken and croquette potatoes.

NICK
So, we can have anything with chips.

WAITRESS
Apart from chicken – or – I have cake.
Gatox.

HECTOR
Gatox?

ANNIE
I think she means gateaux.

NICK, HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE
Gatox please.

HECTOR
Spanish girls are beautiful!

NICK
Gre-at!
And French girls!

HECTOR
Really?!

BRIDGET
I don’t believe it.

ANNIE
What?

BRIDGET
Over there – over there!

ANNIE
Yeah?

BRIDGET
It’s him!!

ANNIE
Who?

BRIDGET
Enrique!

ANNIE
Enrique? Qué?

BRIDGET
Not Enrique- qué, Enrique Iglesias!

ANNIE
No!
Are you sure?
It can’t be!!

BRIDGET
This is Spain.
Well he’s from Spain!

ANNIE
Well?!

BRIDGET
I must go and talk to him!
Hair [check] lipstick [check] top – [check]. Right.
Here I go!
NICK
Where’s Bridget going?

ANNIE
Enrique Iglesias is sitting over there at that table!

HECTOR
No!!

BRIDGET
Enrique!

HECTOR
That is not Enrique Iglesias!

NICK
No way!
ANNIE
Oh, poor Bridget!
Still, he is quite good looking!

NICK
Hah!
Latin men are different to English men.
They are not sensitive, gentle, romantic and – sophisticated like me.

Crashing noise

WAITRESS
Gatox!

HECTOR
I think the waitress fancies you, Nick!
Go on, try one of your chat up lines on her!

NICK
Ha! She’s not my type!

ANNIE
So what is your type, Nick?

NICK
… Erm?

HECTOR
She’s coming back!
Go on, go on!

NICK
Which one, which one, I’ve forgotten them all!

HECTOR
Use my one, stars, stars.

NICK
OK, OK, I remember. [Clears throat].
“Your teeth are like stars – they come out at night.”

Annie and Hector laugh

NICK
It’s obvious – she’s crazy about me!

BRIDGET
I’ve got a date with him, I’ve got a date with him!

NICK
Who?
Mr Iglesias?

BRIDGET
Oh, don’t be silly!
Of course it’s not Enrique Iglesias!
I’m not that stupid! [Makes snorting noise]
It’s Miguel – and tonight we’re going clubbing!

HECTOR
Great!

NICK
Where are we going?

BRIDGET
No, not you, Miguel and me.

ANNIE
Oh no, Bridget, we must be your chaperones!

HECTOR
Yeah, you will not even notice us!

BRIDGET
Well, oh all right then!

NICK
Oh, all those Spanish girls – clubbing!

WAITRESS
Clubbing!
Let’s boo-oo-gie, baby!
I’ll show you how it’s done!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA – England play Argentina in the World Cup.
Nick gets a phone call and Bridget has a bad hair day.
EXTRA – don’t miss it!


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