Episode 13

Episode 13

Narrative

ANNIE [Reading on screen advert]
Pet Weddings, the wedding for you and your little friends.
Oh, Hector, it’s perfect!

HECTOR
Yeah, perfect!

ANNIE
Oh – Hector, you have mail!
Ah, and they’re all from your mother.
Shall I?

HECTOR
Yes please, do.

ANNIE
What do they say?

HECTOR
¿Cuántas damas de honor va a llevar Annie? ¿Diez o doce?
Well, she says, “How many bridesmaids is Annie having?
Ten or twelve?”

ANNIE
Ten or twelve?!

HECTOR
You will like this one Annie.
“Have you booked Westminster Abbey yet?
I’m coming to London soon, to help you.”

ANNIE
Oh, Hector!
Your mother is very kind but we want a small wedding.
She must not interfere!

HECTOR
Oh, Annie.

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.

MRS ROMERO
¡Hector cariño! ¿Recibiste mis e-mails?

HECTOR
Si, Mamá. Mamá…

MRS ROMERO
Hector, ¿Quién es el padrino?

HECTOR
Erm, Nick.

MRS ROMERO
¿Es inteligente, trabjador, responsable?

HECTOR
Si, si.

MRS ROMERO
¡Oo perfecto!

HECTOR
Mamá…

MRS ROMERO
¡Me voy! Donatella Versace está por llegar de un momento a otro. Tiene ideas maravillosas para mi traje para la boda ¡Hasta pronto!

Sound of telephone receiver being put down

MRS ROMERO
Gracias, Antonio.

ANNIE
Hector, we want our pet wedding, don’t we?

HECTOR
… Erm, yes.

ANNIE
Well she must not interfere any more!

HECTOR
It’s OK.
I won’t let her – come here.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm, you look happy!
Man trouble?
How is – erm, ah, Miguel?

BRIDGET
Miguel is finished!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh!

BRIDGET
It’s all football, football, football with Miguel.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh!
What do you expect from Spanish men?!

BRIDGET
So I said, “Bye, bye, Miguel.”
Oh and Annie and Hector are so happy.
It’s weddings, weddings, weddings … I’ll never find a decent man.
I’ll just be single for ever!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh rubbish!
What you need is a new man in your life!

BRIDGET
But where can I get one?
Oh hi – Bridget here – can I have a new man please?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh – and what about – that gorgeous – Nick!

BRIDGET
Nick?!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, he’s great as ‘Pierce Steele’ in London on Fire – oh, what a hunk!!

BRIDGET
But he’s …

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Come on Bridget, you said you want a new man – well let me introduce you to the new Nick! I want you to interview him for Stars at 9 on 9!

BRIDGET
Interview Nick?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ahm.

BRIDGET
But all he talks about is girls – oh and motorbikes.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Forget what he says – ask him – to take his jacket off!! Hmm-hmm, here, look at this – London on Fire!
Enjoy it! Ahm!!

Sound of coughing

WOMAN
Oh Pierce, how can I ever thank you?

PIERCE STEELE [Nick]
It was nothing!
It’s all – in a day’s work for – Pierce Steele.

NICK
Hi Bridget …

BRIDGET
Oh, hi Nick.
Come and sit down.

NICK
OK.
What are you reading?

BRIDGET
Oh, a magazine about weddings.
I love weddings, don’t you?

NICK
Erm …

BRIDGET
The problem is I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride!

NICK
Oh, wow!

BRIDGET
Isn’t it lovely!

NICK
Yeah!
The Ferrari Testarosa.
What a great car!

BRIDGET
I meant her dress!
Do you like it, Nick?

NICK
Well, it wouldn’t suit me! Ha-ha!

BRIDGET
[Laughs]
Nick – you’re so funny!
I love funny men.

NICK
I need a drink!
Would you like one?

BRIDGET
And good looking ones.
I’d love to marry a funny, good looking man.

NICK
[Makes loud burping noise]

BRIDGET
By the way, Nick, I saw London on Fire – you’re very good in it.
NICK
Really?
Did you think so?

BRIDGET
In fact, I wondered if …

NICK
… Yeah …?

BRIDGET
… If you want to …

NICK
… Yeah …

BRIDGET
Will you … ?

NICK
… Yeah … ?!!

BRIDGET
Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9?

NICK
Oh – yeah.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Nadia.
I really want a small wedding, but Hector’s mother keeps interfering.

ANNIE
She must not interfere, it’s too much!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
I don’t have any luck with men!
Eunice says I should think about Nick.

BRIDGET
Interview Nick?!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm-hmm.

BRIDGET
But all he talks about is girls – oh and motorbikes.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Anyway, I’m going to interview him on Stars at 9.

BRIDGET
Will you do an interview with me for Channel 9?

NICK
Oh – yeah.

Sound of knocking on door

DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Reception Venues.

Sound of knocking on door

DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Wedding Dresses.

Sound of knocking on door

DELIVERY MAN
Courtesy of Mrs Romero – Honeymoons.

ANNIE
Hector’s mother is driving me mad!!
Maybe I should just cancel the wedding.

BRIDGET
Really?
Well I wouldn’t!
I suppose marriage will mean sacrifices.
No more shaving your legs on the toilet.
No more soaps on TV.

ANNIE
Oh no!!

BRIDGET
No more midnight chocolate feasts!

ANNIE
[Gasps]

BRIDGET
But then you will be Mrs Romero!

NICK
Do you think Bridget is ill?

HECTOR
No why?

NICK
She’s being very nice to me – very nice.

HECTOR
Well maybe she is ill.

NICK
She’s talking about weddings, you and Annie.

HECTOR
You don’t think she wants to get married too, do you?

NICK
Ha! Who to?

HECTOR
Well – you said she was being very nice to you.

NICK
No!
You don’t think?!

BRIDGET
Annie – I have something to tell you.

ANNIE
What?

BRIDGET
Nick.

ANNIE
Nick what?

BRIDGET
I fancy Nick.

NICK
Aagh! She did mean me!
Oh Hector – help!
Once you’re married – they’ve got you!

ANNIE
You fancy Nick?

BRIDGET
Yes I do, I do!

ANNIE
But you don’t like Nick.

BRIDGET
I do like Nick.

ANNIE
No you don’t, you think he’s an idiot!

BRIDGET
Yes, but he’s so macho!
ANNIE
You think he’s vain!

BRIDGET
But he’s so good looking!

ANNIE
Huh! You don’t like his clothes!

BRIDGET
But now he wears a fireman’s uniform.

ANNIE
Ah, so that’s it!
The uniform.

BRIDGET
He’s so sexy in London on Fire.

ANNIE
So, what are you going to do?

BRIDGET
Tomorrow I will interview him for Channel 9 …

ANNIE
… And then?

BRIDGET
You’ll just have to wait and see.

NICK
There’s one good thing about getting married.

HECTOR
Yeah, love.

NICK
No – no!
The Stag Night!

HECTOR
The what?

NICK
The Stag Night.
It’s when the bridegroom – that’s you, is taken out by his best man, that’s me to say – goodbye.

HECTOR
Goodbye?

NICK
Yep.
Goodbye to your fantastic life as a single man.

HECTOR
Oh.

NICK
Goodbye to drinking beer and watching football in bed.

HECTOR
Oh.

NICK
Goodbye to eating curry for breakfast.
HECTOR
Oh.

NICK
And worst of all – goodbye to Kylie Minogue!!

HECTOR and NICK
Oh!!

NICK
Don’t worry Hector – we will face this together!

HECTOR
Oh thank you Nick – you are a real friend!

NICK
Anyway – this stag night!
What are we going to do?

HECTOR
Go to the cinema?

NICK
Wha … ?!
In England – we do crazy things!
We party, we go to Brighton, we dress up …

HECTOR
… As what?

NICK
Women!

BRIDGET
So, I am here with Nick Jessop – or Pierce Steele, straight from the set of London on Fire – Nick.

NICK
Good evening.

BRIDGET
Do you think London on Fire accurately reflects the pressures on London’s emergency services?

NICK
Dunno! But the women are good looking! [Laughs]

BRIDGET
Erm, do you get very hot?

NICK
When?

BRIDGET
In the flames, when you’re filming.

NICK
No, not really.

BRIDGET
Do you take your jacket off sometimes?

NICK
Yeah, sometimes.

BRIDGET
When it gets very … hot?

NICK
Yeah.

BRIDGET
Do you want to take your jacket off now?

NICK
Erm, eh, no, not really.

BRIDGET
Erm, and what about the women?

NICK
The women?

BRIDGET
The women you rescue.
You carry them out of the house that is on fire.

NICK
Oh yeah.

BRIDGET
They must love it!

NICK
Well they are acting.

BRIDGET
And do they ask you to …?

NICK
Do they ask me to what?

BRIDGET
Take your jacket off.

NICK
Oh, erm, no.

BRIDGET
Will you take it off now?

NICK
Er – OK.
[Nervous laughter]

BRIDGET
Could you carry me?!

NICK
When?!

BRIDGET
Now!
Carry me like you do on London on Fire!

NICK
Er – OK.

BRIDGET
Oh … you’re so strong!
This is Bridget Evans with Nick Jessop for Channel 9.
Ah!

NICK
Shall I put you down now?

BRIDGET
Oh, do you have to?!!

Thumping noise/sound of Bridget screaming

ANNIE
Oh, hi Hector.

HECTOR
Hi Annie.

ANNIE/HECTOR
Em, Hector/Annie …

HECTOR
Oh, no, you go first.

ANNIE
Oh, no, you first.

HECTOR
OK.
Annie, this wedding …

ANNIE
I was going to say “this wedding …”

HECTOR
Oh, OK, you say it then.

ANNIE
Oh – no – you.

HECTOR
OK, let’s write it down.

ANNIE
Good idea.

HECTOR
Ready?

ANNIE
Uhuh.

HECTOR
One, two, three, show!
ANNIE
Oh, yes Hector, let’s wait!
This wedding is a nightmare!

HECTOR
Yeah!

ANNIE
Let’s celebrate not getting married!

HECTOR
Yeah!

ANNIE
OK, erm, I’m going shopping now, but meet me at Leo’s Café at 5pm.

HECTOR
I’ll be there!

Sound of kissing

ANNIE
You must tell your mother!
Thank goodness she’s thousands of miles away in Argentina!

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.

MRS ROMERO
Hector, cariño. ¡Vengo a Londres!

ANNIE
Make sure you tell her before she leaves.

HECTOR
Escucha, Mamá… Annie y yo…

MRS ROMERO
Mi avión llega a las cinco a Heathrow. ¡Hasta pronto!

MRS ROMERO
Gracias, Antonio.

HECTOR
Oh no!!

ANNIE
Meet me at Leo’s café at 5pm.

HECTOR
Annie – or Mum?

MRS ROMERO
Mi avión llega a las cinco a Heathrow.

HECTOR
Mum – or Annie?

NICK [Composing email]
Bridget is very nice to me, it’s very strange!

BRIDGET
Nick, you’re so funny!

NICK [Composing email]
Hector thinks she wants to get married too!

NICK
Oh-ha!

NICK [Composing email]
Mm – anyway, as best man I am organising Hector’s stag night.

NICK
The stag night!

HECTOR
The what?

NICK [Composing email]
We are practising tonight!

NICK
We dress up!

HECTOR
As what?

NICK
Women.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
But you know, Nick is very cute.

NICK
Ah-uh!

BRIDGET
Especially in his fireman’s uniform!

BRIDGET
Oh you’re so strong!

Sound of plane landing

Sound of door opening and closing

HECTOR
Oh hi Nick, did you have a good day?

NICK
Gre-at! I saved London again.
Oh, and I was interviewed by Bridget.
Man, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her!
Ha-ha!

HECTOR
Gre-at.

NICK
OK, what’s up?

HECTOR
My mother is coming to London.

NICK
Ooh! Does Annie know?

HECTOR
No.

NICK
Oops!

HECTOR
But we have cancelled the wedding.

NICK
Wow!
Does your mother know?

HECTOR
No.

NICK
Whoops!

HECTOR
It gets worse.
I was supposed to meet both of them this afternoon in different places!

NICK
Ha-ha-ha – triple oops!
Oh Hector, don’t worry.
Women always forget.

HECTOR
Hmm.

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Oh.

HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.

MRS ROMERO
Hector. ¿Dónde estás?

HECTOR
Mamá… hay un problema…

MRS ROMERO
Oh no importa. Tomaré un taxi.

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Hi Annie.

ANNIE
Hector, where are you?

HECTOR
Annie, listen!

ANNIE
I’m glad we’re not getting married!

NICK
Ha-hmm.
So they didn’t forget!

Sound of vegetables being chopped

HECTOR
Annie please, listen to me!

ANNIE
What, or who is more important than me?

BRIDGET
Tut-tut-tut.
First marriage row!

HECTOR AND ANNIE
We are not getting married!

BRIDGET
Pardon me!

HECTOR
Annie, today was difficult, impossible.

ANNIE
I don’t want to know!

HECTOR
Annie – it’s my mother!

ANNIE
What about your mother?!

Sound of knocking on door

MRS ROMERO
Heeere’s mother!!
Hector darling! Mw-mw.

HECTOR
Hola, Mamá.

MRS ROMERO
Oh, speak to me in English.
I’ve taken lessons!
Where is Annie, where’s my little bride?
What a beauty! Hector! You’ve kept her beauty a secret!

HECTOR
No, Mamá – this is Bridget.
This is Annie.

MRS ROMERO
Oh!!
Donatella can help you.

HECTOR
Annie is the prettiest, sweetiest, kindest girl in the world.

MRS ROMERO
Really?

ANNIE
Didn’t you tell her the wedding is off?

HECTOR
I didn’t get the chance.

ANNIE
Well now’s the time.

HECTOR
[Clears throat]
Mum.

MRS ROMERO
Yes.

HECTOR
Annie and I have decided to …

ANNIE
… Wait a few years before we get married.

HECTOR
No nos casamos todavía.

MRS ROMERO
No wedding!
Oh no!! [Sound of crying]
Oh, thank you Bridget. [Sound of crying/nose blowing]
Do you have a boyfriend?

BRIDGET
I hope so, Mrs Romero.

MRS ROMERO
Oh – is he handsome?

BRIDGET
Yes, he’s very handsome – and muscular!

MRS ROMERO
I love macho men.
What’s his name?

BRIDGET
Nick – Nick Jessop!

MRS ROMERO
Nick?!
Hector’s best man!

BRIDGET
Yes, that’s him.

NICK
Time to party!

HECTOR
Mama – meet Nick.

BRIDGET
So, have you booked Westminster Abbey yet?!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA – Bridget tries to change Nick.
Hector’s mother comes to dinner, but why does Annie behave badly?
EXTRA – don’t miss it!


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