Episode 20

Episode 20

Narrative

NICK
Charley, look at that! Hah!

HECTOR
Hola, Charley.

NICK
Ugh!

HECTOR
What’s wrong?

NICK
Shaving cream!
Whipping cream!
Hector …

HECTOR
Ah?

NICK
… Next time you go shopping – kitchen/bathroom, OK.

HECTOR
Bathroom/kitchen, got it.

NICK
Hmm.

HECTOR
What are you watching?

NICK
Ha! It’s a dog show. Oh I like that!

HECTOR
I didn’t know you liked dogs.

NICK
Ha? I don’t like dogs.
I like those women with their dogs.

Sound of Charley barking

NICK
Oh, oh, Charley likes the dog – huh-huh! Hah! The lady dogs!

Laughter

VOICE ON TV
You can enter the dog show this year and win two thousand pounds!!

Sound of applause

NICK
What?
Hector, slap me.

Slapping noise

NICK
How much did she say?

HECTOR
Two thousand pounds.

NICK
Whoo-hey! We must enter this dog show with Charley.

Sound of camera shutters clicking

HECTOR
All right, let’s do it!

NICK
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Oh no!

ANNIE
Hello! Earth to Bridget, EARTH TO BRIDGET!
BRIDGET!
What are you looking for?

BRIDGET
Erm, my new tee shirt, I’m meeting my boyfriend …

ANNIE
What? Whoa-whoa-whoa!
What boyfriend?!

BRIDGET
Oh! [Clapping noise]
My new boyfriend!

ANNIE
Tell me everything.

BRIDGET
Well, his name’s Philip, he’s very elegant and erm, …

NICK
Hey, hey, hey, hey – Annie we’ve had a really- good -idea!

HECTOR
Wait, careful.

NICK
[Makes yawning noise]

HECTOR
We’ve just seen a dog show on TV.

NICK
Oh yeah, that’s right, a really good dog show.

NICK & HECTOR
Mmm.

HECTOR
Do you like dog shows, Annie?

ANNIE
I – hate them! They are cruel!

NICK
Not all dog shows, Annie.

ANNIE
Yes, Nick – all dog shows. They are, they are horrible.
You have to respect animals.

HECTOR
Yeah-yeah, yeah.

NICK
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you are so right Annie, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Sound of door closing

HECTOR
So what shall we do?

NICK
We will have to train Charley ourselves – without Annie knowing – hah, ha-ha-ha.

HECTOR
Ha-ha-ha – oh!

NICK
Hey!

HECTOR
Hey!

NICK
Forget that, read this.

HECTOR
What?
‘How to train your dog’.
NICK
Now, we can train Charley.
Charley, here boy!

HECTOR
Sit. [Clears throat]
Sit. Good dog! Good trainer.

NICK
Oh, Charley’s not there.

HECTOR
Charley’s not there?

NICK
Annie has taken him to the vet.

HECTOR
The vet?

NICK
The vet. The animal doctor.

HECTOR
Well, we can still start training.

NICK
We can? How?
Sit!
I said ‘sit’ – sit, good boy, good boy.
Now, roll over. Roll over. Good dog Charley. Roll over, roll over Hector. Good boy! Good boy! Good boy, Hector!
Now, now, I, I want to be the dog.

HECTOR
No, no, I am the dog.

Sound of overlapping speech/growling noises

BRIDGET
Ah! I don’t know these people!

HECTOR & NICK
Hi, Bridget!

BRIDGET
Erm, well they’re not my friends …

PHILIP
Ha, what are they doing?

NICK
Erm, well you’ve heard of yoga.

PHILIP
Yes.
NICK
Well this is a new type of yoga, dog yoga.

HECTOR
Yeah, dog yoga, erm, do-ga!

Sound of growling and hissing noises/sighing

PHILIP
Fantastic! Come on Bridget, introduce me to these spiritual boys!

BRIDGET
Philip – erm, Hector and Nick.

PHILIP
Are dogs allowed on the sofa!!

Sound of laughter

BRIDGET
Maybe we should eat out!
Come on, Philip.

Sound of door slamming

NICK
I don’t like that man.

HECTOR
I don’t think he likes you either!

Sound of door shutting

ANNIE
Was that Bridget’s new boyfriend?

HECTOR
Yep.

Sound of Charley barking

NICK
That’s right, Charley, he’s a bad man, top dog.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Chrissy! I’ve met a wonderful man!

ANNIE
Tell me everything!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Well he’s everything I want. Elegant, handsome, intelligent …

Sound of laughter

BRIDGET [Composing email]
… And very unlike Nick!
NICK [Composing email]
Dan! I know how to earn two thousand pounds with Charley – Annie’s dog.

Sound of Charley barking

NICK
No! Not selling it! Winning a dog show competition.
Sound of camera shutters clicking

NICK
The perfect plan!

HECTOR
Let’s do it!

NICK
Yes!

NICK [Composing email]
Oh, and Bridget has met a new man.

PHILIP
Fantastic!

NICK [Composing email]
Huh! Even Charley is not impressed!

NICK
That’s right, Charley, he’s a bad man.

Sound of Charley barking

HECTOR
Hup! Hup!

NICK
Ow! Hmm!

ANNIE
Come on, Charley.

NICK
Erm, Wa-wait, where are you taking him?

ANNIE
For a walk.

NICK
Time to train Charley.
[Clears throat] Let me take him.

ANNIE
You’ll take him for his walk?

NICK
Yeah.

ANNIE
OK.
Where’s the kettle?
Bridget!

NICK
I’ll buy Charley a nice ribbon, then the lady dogs will lurve him, whoo!

NICK
Hey, Charley, come on, walkies!

Assorted noises from Charley

HECTOR
Hey Nick! Catch!

Sound of growling

Sound of door slamming

ANNIE
Bridget, that’s my Walkman.

BRIDGET
Well you take my things!

ANNIE
I don’t take your things!

BRIDGET
Yes you do!
Where’s my necklace then?!

ANNIE
I haven’t got your necklace.

BRIDGET
Well I think you have – and my photo frame.

ANNIE
I haven’t got your photo frame.

BRIDGET
Yes you have.

ANNIE
No I haven’t!

BRIDGET/ANNIE
Yes you have/no I haven’t! Yes you have/ooh!

HECTOR
Girls, girls, please.

BRIDGET
Don’t touch my things!

ANNIE
Hello, hello! I didn’t touch your things!

HECTOR
Sit!

Sound of doors slamming

NICK
Whoo-hoo! Annie is so angry! What have you done?

HECTOR
Me? Nothing. She has been fighting with Bridget.

NICK
Oh, the girls have been fighting!
I missed it!

HECTOR
Anyway, how was your walk with Charley?

NICK
Great! Women love Charley!

WOMAN
Oh Nick, what a handsome dog you have!

NICK
Hey, look, I’ve brought him a ribbon for the show! Ha!

HECTOR
And where is he?

NICK
Where is who?

HECTOR
Charley, the dog.

NICK
Charley! Whoo!

NICK
Stay there, good boy.
Ha, a quick pint.
[Sound of burping]
Aaah!

HECTOR & NICK
Aaah!!

NICK [Reading note]
“You are too cruel to own a dog!
He is safe with me!”
But, but, but … he was only tied up at that lamp post for – a bit?

HECTOR & NICK
Aaah, aah!

ANNIE
What’s going on?

NICK
Erm, it’s called a – ooh – erm, dog yoga.

Growling/hissing noises

ANNIE
Ah, very nice.

BRIDGET
Oh no! Not dog yoga again!

ANNIE
Talking of dogs, where is Charley?

NICK
He’s asleep.

HECTOR
He’s ill.

NICK
He’s having his hair cut.

HECTOR
He’s busy.

ANNIE
So he’s asleep and ill and busy and having his hair cut?

NICK
Erm, yeah.

HECTOR
Hmm, hmm.

ANNIE
OK.

Sound of door shutting

NICK
We have to get Charley back!

ANNIE [Composing email]
The boys are so sweet! They’re taking Charley for walks, and they play a lot with him.

NICK
Good boy!
Good boy good boy!

ANNIE [Composing email]
But I have to buy more doggie chocs – there are none left!

NICK [Composing email]
Dan, we’ve lost Annie’s dog, Charley.

ANNIE
Where is Charley?

NICK
He’s asleep.

HECTOR
He’s ill.

NICK
He’s having his hair cut.

HECTOR
He’s busy.

NICK [Composing email]
And the dog show is today!

NICK & HECTOR
Ohh!!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
I’m worried about Annie. She’s stealing everything!
Lots of my things are missing.

ANNIE
I didn’t touch your things!

BRIDGET
Where’s my necklace then?

BRIDGET [Composing email]
I think she’s selling them on the Internet!

Atmospheric music

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Nick!

NICK
Hector, hey! Don’t worry, I’ve found him, I’ve found him!

HECTOR
Great!

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Oh, the other phone is ringing, erm, see you later, bye!

NICK
Yes!
Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Hello.
Police? What? You found our dog! Great, thanks very much. Bye!
But – if the police have found our dog, whose dog has Nick found?

NICK
Ow, ow, ow!! Sorry, I’m sorry, I thought it was mine!

Sound of police siren

HECTOR
Up, up, up, ah good dog. Up, hey, hey …

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR
Oh, hello.
Nick, where are you?
The police station?! You took a dog from an old woman! Nick, how could you?! OK, OK, I am coming.

Sound of camera shutters whirring

HECTOR
Oh, ha, ha, ha! That woman, she really went for you and she was old!

NICK
[Laughing]
I thought she was my type … …
Hey, we must go, the dog show!

ANNIE
Hi guys! Hi Charley!
Why are you wearing that?

HECTOR
Oh, erm …

NICK
We were taking photographs.

HECTOR
Were we?

NICK
Yes.

ANNIE
Taking photographs.

NICK & HECTOR
Yes.

BRIDGET
I’m meeting Philip tonight and I, I can’t find my earrings.

ANNIE
Oh come on, they must be somewhere.

BRIDGET
You, you’ve stolen them!

ANNIE
I’ve told you, I haven’t stolen anything.

BRIDGET
Yes you have, you’re a thief!

ANNIE
I am not a thief! I’m … …

HECTOR
Oh-oh ladies, no fighting here!

Sound of whistle blowing

HECTOR
Break it up!

Accompanying music to dog training sequence

Sound of TV being turned on

ANNIE
Where’s the fridge?

DOG SHOW PRESENTER
Hello, and welcome to Crofts Dog Show …

ANNIE
Bridget!
Huh, a dog show, how stupid.
Where is the fridge?
Where’s Charley? Charley! Charley and the fridge have gone.
Charley has taken the fridge!

DOG SHOW PRESENTER
… … … … …

ANNIE
Charley?

DOG SHOW PRESENTER
These dogs are trained to the highest standards and are a credit to their owners …

HECTOR
It looks hopeful.

NICK
Oh yes! It looks very hopeful. Look at her!
Look after Charley.
Hey, hello there!
He-he!

ANNIE
Look, there’s Hector and Charley – and there’s Nick!

BRIDGET
Who’s that woman?
It’s a very big dog!

Sound of barking

HECTOR
Oh, that really is a big dog!

NICK
Yes, I know.

DOG SHOW PRESENTER
Your attention, please. The dog show winner is – Charley with his trainers, Hector and Nick!

Sound of applause/dog barks

HECTOR
We’ve won, we’ve won …

NICK
Oh, two thousand pounds!

Applause/sound of camera shutters clicking

ANNIE
Oh congratulations!

HECTOR
Thanks Annie, but you hate dog shows.

ANNIE
Erm, well, if Charley wins, then that’s different – and you won two thousand pounds!

Sound of Charley growling

HECTOR
Erm, well not exactly.
We won two thousand pounds to spend in ‘Dog’s Heaven.’

NICK
Hey! This is great! Smells nice – and ha-ha, gets rid of fleas! … …

Sound of Charley growling

BRIDGET
I’m ready, Philip.

PHILIP
Bridget! You look nice!

BRIDGET
We’re going out for dinner, a very romantic dinner.

Sound of Charley growling

PHILIP
You stupid dog, get off me!

ANNIE
Charley, stop it!

HECTOR
What is he doing?

ANNIE
Get off him!

BRIDGET
My scarf! My jewellery! My photo frame and more!

ANNIE
Philip, you’ve been stealing our things!
You’re the thief!

PHILIP
Well I, I … I…

NICK
Get him, Charley!

HECTOR
Charley, Charley!

Sound of whistle blowing/Charley barking

ANNIE
He’s a thief! Your boyfriend is a thief!

BRIDGET
Well who can blame him?

ANNIE
What?

BRIDGET
He took souvenirs, to remind him of me – ah, so romantic!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Annie is a hypnotist, Nick and Hector are party entertainers, but what happens when they lose the birthday girl?
EXTRA – don’t miss it!


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