Episode 9
Narrative
NICK
To be or not to be, that is the question. Whe…, oh no!
ANNIE
Why is it so dark in here? What’s going on? Nick, what are you doing? The sun is shining outside.
NICK
Oh, hi, Annie.
ANNIE
What are you doing?
NICK
Nothing.
ANNIE
Well, stand up then.
NICK
I can’t.
ANNIE
Why not?
NICK
Erm…
ANNIE
Right, I’m coming over.
NICK
… ….. OK.
ANNIE [Laughing]
Oh, nice outfit, Nick!
Bridget, look at this!
BRIDGET
[Laughing]
NICK
Oh, you can laugh, but one day, I will be a great actor. In fact, I might get a part in a Shakespeare production this week.
BRIDGET
In your dreams!
ANNIE
Did you have a good day at work, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Oh, I’m so tired. Training with the England football team this morning.
Oh, those boys – so cheeky! But they really know what they’re talking about.
ANNIE
Football?
BRIDGET
No. Hairstyles and fashion, of course. Anyway, then I had lunch with Kylie Minogue’s agent – lovely man. [Laughs]
So funny! I’m exhausted.
ANNIE
Oh!! Poor Bridget.
BRIDGET
Euch, I must get changed.
ANNIE
Now Bridget’s a researcher for Channel Nine, all she talks about is sweet stars. Huh! Bleuhh! It’s so boring.
NICK
Huh? I’ll be sweet when I’m famous.
BRIDGET
Where are they? I thought so.
NICK
“To die… to sleep …”
BRIDGET
Nick!
NICK
… ……?
BRIDGET
Are those my tights?
NICK
No. Huh!
BRIDGET
Oh yes they are!
NICK
Oh, these tights. Are they yours, Bridget?
BRIDGET
I’ll speak to you later.
Now where’s Hector? I have some exciting news for him.
HECTOR
Oh, hi, Bridget.
Hi, sugar-plum!
ANNIE
Hi, snugly-puppykins!
HECTOR
Hey, nice tights, man!
Laughter
BRIDGET
Hector, I have some great news for you. Channel Nine is looking for a television reporter.
NICK
Ah – I could do that!
BRIDGET
Not an English reporter.
A Latin American who speaks English.
HECTOR
But I can’t speak English very well.
BRIDGET
Just audition.
ANNIE
Go on, Hector, the camera will love you.
BRIDGET
And so will the girls!
ANNIE
Not all the girls, I hope.
HECTOR
Well, if you think so, then…
BRIDGET
Ah, Hector, with my help, the job is yours.
And my new boss will be very impressed with me.
HECTOR
OK, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right! Let’s do some research.
Annie, we need CNN. Find it. And Nick?
NICK
Yes?
BRIDGET
I want my tights back – now.
NICK
OK.
ANNIE
You want your tights back?
BRIDGET
They are Versace. The remote, please, Annie.
NICK
Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Sound of banging
ANNIE
What’s wrong with it?
HECTOR
I don’t know. I think it’s broken.
BRIDGET
Well, we’ll have to go to your place then.
NICK
Ah! There you are.
BRIDGET
Shhh, Nick. We’re watching CNN.
We’re doing research for Hector’s new job!
NICK
Hector’s new job? What about my new job?
I need to do research as well.
BRIDGET
Nick!
NICK
There! That’s better.
VOICE ON TELEVISION
To be or not to be…
BRIDGET
What’s this?
NICK
Hamlet – a tragedy.
ANNIE
What’s it about?
NICK
Love. Madness. And murder.
Hamlet’s father, the king, is killed by Hamlet’s uncle, who then marries Hamlet’s mother, so Hamlet kills his uncle and his mother and then he dies.
BRIDGET
That sounds like my family.
NICK
It’s a masterpiece. I’d be great as Hamlet.
BRIDGET
Oh! My tights!
NICK
Oh, Bridget, I had an accident.
BRIDGET
Buy me another pair or you will have an accident!
ANNIE
Accident or murder?!
NICK
OK, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right, I’m off.
ANNIE
Me too.
HECTOR
Goodnight, sugar-plum.
ANNIE
Night, snuggly-puppykins.
HECTOR
Oh, Nick, I am worried.
NICK
Hector, I know what you mean. When women talk like that, it is time to move on.
HECTOR
No, not Annie.
This television reporter’s job. I don’t really think I can do it.
NICK
Hector, of course you can. What you need is…
HECTOR
Talent?
NICK
No! You don’t need talent. You need Nick’s School for Television Reporters.
HECTOR
Nick’s School for Television Reporters?
NICK
Yeah! I will teach you to be a television reporter.
HECTOR
OK!
NICK
OK.
Rule number one: imagine you are talking to a beautiful woman.
“Good evening, this is Nick Jessop, reporting from the Houses of Parliament just for you.”
Rule number two: be mysterious.
“I am here to tell you the Houses of Parliament may look normal, but all is not as it seems.”
Rule number three: make them trust you.
“I can reveal that this building is actually an alien space station. Trust me. Trust Nick Jessop. I will always tell you the truth. See you later. Goodnight and sleep tight.” Do it like that, Hector, and you will get the job.
HECTOR
“Hi, this is Hector Romero.”
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘Chrissy, we need a new TV reporter at Channel Nine and I think Hector will be perfect.’
HECTOR
Well, if you think so.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘Of course, I will train him.
My new boss will be very impressed.’
HECTOR
OK, Bridget.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘And this morning, I found Nick wearing my Versace tights.’
NICK
Oh, these tights!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
He’s a strange boy.
NICK [Composing email]
‘Guess what, Dan! I’ve discovered Shakespeare. “To die, to sleep …”
I love it!
And I taught Hector how to be a television reporter.
NICK
Nick’s School for Television Reporters!
NICK [Composing email]
I’m sure he’ll get the job!
BRIDGET
Did you get my fax? Well, did you get my email? What did Sting say? Will he do the interview?
You won’t even ask him? He’s never heard of Channel Nine? Oh, please. Please! Please!
Well can I meet him? I can? Where is he? At the airport? I’ll be there. Yes!
Sound of knocking on door
WOMAN
Hector Romero for you, Bridget.
BRIDGET
No.
Hector, I forgot your audition. Listen, I must go out for one hour. Sting wants to see me!
Don’t worry. Just remember everything I’ve told you. Here’s the script, there’s the camera. Must dash! Be back in an hour!
HECTOR
But.., I…
“Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine.”
BRIDGET
What a day!
First Sting had already departed for New York and now this! This! From you, Hector!
HECTOR
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Was this Nick’s idea?
HECTOR
Erm…
BRIDGET
I thought so.
HECTOR
So, have I got the job?
BRIDGET
What do you think?
Goodbye, Hector. And the new editor will be here soon.
Right! Nick!
Sound of mobile phone ringing
NICK [reading text message]
“Nick., I am too angry to speak. Bridget.”
Sound of mobile phone ringing
NICK
Huh!
Hi, Bridget!
BRIDGET
Nick.
NICK
I thought you were too angry to speak to me.
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. How dare you.
NICK
How dare I what?
BRIDGET
Teach Hector to be a news reporter!
NICK
Ah, ahm, sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
He was ridiculous. “Hi, sexy, this is Hector Romero.” My new editor will be here soon and I wanted to impress her.
NICK
So will Hector get the job then?
BRIDGET
Of course he won’t get the job. You made me look a fool. You.., you and Hector are so stupid!
ANNIE
Who was that?
NICK
Wrong number.
ANNIE
Hey, Nick, look at this. This could be perfect for you.
NICK
What is it?
ANNIE [Reading advert]
“Is Shakespeare in your blood? Could you be our Hamlet?”
NICK
Yeah!
ANNIE
“Do you love performing?”
NICK
Yeah!
ANNIE
“Do you love travelling?”
NICK
Yeah!
ANNIE
“Do people adore you?”
NICK
Naturally!
ANNIE
“Then we need you. Call this number for a Shakespearean experience.”
NICK
Wow! Hamlet! My dream!
I’ll call now. I must learn my lines. “To be… to be…”
ANNIE
“Or not to be?”
BRIDGET
Aagh!!!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hello, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Eunice, what are you doing here?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Long time no see, Bridget. And how’s Nick? Does he miss me?
BRIDGET
No. Er, yes.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh! You have a new hairstyle.
BRIDGET
Yeah. So have you.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes, but the difference is, mine looks good.
BRIDGET
Yes.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Anyway, Bridget, I am your new editor.
Surprised?
BRIDGET
No, no, no.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Good. OK.
Two rules. One: I am your editor and I am always right. Two: you are the researcher, you are always wrong.
OK?
BRIDGET
OK.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
OK.
Now what have you got for me today?
BRIDGET
Well, Sting would love to come for an interview, but…
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… But he’s not coming.
BRIDGET
No.
But we need a new reporter and… and… and I have found you the most perfect person.
He’s Latin American, speaks English and he’s very sexy. Watch this. I know you’ll love him.
HECTOR
“Hi, sexy. This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine. Wow, you look beautiful today.
Guess what? There’s been a diamond robbery in London.
I would love to put diamonds on those pretty ears. But you, yes, you can sleep safely in your bed tonight.
This is Hector Romero. I’ll be back.”
BRIDGET
Well?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Of course! Hector!
Oh, he is perfect!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘What a day! Hector’s audition was a disaster.’
HECTOR
“Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine.”
BRIDGET
‘Guess who interfered? Nick!’
BRIDGET
Right, Nick!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘And worse still, guess who is my new boss?
Eunice Mountain!’
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I am your new editor.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘But the good news is, she loved Hector.’
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, he is perfect!
ANNIE [Composing email]
‘We’ve found a perfect role for Nick. Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.’
NICK
My dream!
ANNIE [Composing email]
‘He’s very excited!’
ANNIE
Oh, don’t worry, Hector, my little puppykins. I’m sure you would have been a very good reporter.
HECTOR
But Bridget is angry with me.
ANNIE
Huh! Don’t worry about Bridget.
NICK
Guess what? I’ve got the job.
ANNIE
Hamlet?
HECTOR
Shakespeare? Congratulations, man!
ANNIE
Oh, great! When do you start?
NICK
Tonight. I’ve got the costume already. I think I will go and wash my motorbike.
HECTOR
You haven’t got a motorbike.
NICK
I have now.
BRIDGET
Hi, everyone!
Hector, you have a visitor – my new editor! Eunice, do you remember Hector?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm.
How could I forget? And of course Nick! I could never forget you!
BRIDGET
I thought you had a motorbike to wash?
NICK
Thank you.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hector, I just popped in to say congratulations. You’ve got the job! Isn’t it wonderful?
BRIDGET
Eunice really liked your tape.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, you are perfect, Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector will have such fun.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I’m off. Oh, see you at 8 o’clock sharp tomorrow morning, Hector. Hmm! Oh, hmm!
BRIDGET
There’s no need to thank me, Hector.
ANNIE
Oh, I think I’ve got something in my eye.
Well, it was nice while it lasted, but now, Annie, it is time to say goodbye to Hector.
He is going to be a famous news reporter, so there’ll be no room for little old you.
HECTOR
It’s OK, Annie.
Whatever happens, we will always be together.
ANNIE
But you’ll forget me when you’re a famous news reporter.
HECTOR
However many stories I report – murders, bank robberies, small cats in trees – I shall never forget you. You, light of my life. “This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine, London.”
ANNIE
Oh, Hector!
HECTOR
Oh, Annie!
BRIDGET
Oh no.
Nick?
NICK
Yes?
No! Ohh…
“To eat or not to eat. That is the question.” Hamlet’s burgers – eat them without question.
Sound of laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie wants to save the animals, Bridget has a date with Leonardo di Caprio, and what is in Nick’s box?
EXTRA, don’t miss it.
NICK
That’s nice.