Episode 10
Narrative
Sound of banging on door
NICK
Ah! What? Huh?
ANNIE
Nick!
NICK
Who is it?
ANNIE
It’s me, Annie.
NICK
Oh.
ANNIE
And this is Ziggy.
Is Hector there?
NICK
No, he’s working tonight.
ANNIE
Then you must help us, Nick.
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Take these. They are my babies, so look after them, please!
NICK
Yeah, sure, no problem.
ANNIE
Right. Ready, Ziggy? Come on, let’s go. Hurry!
ANNIE
Yes, three o’clock.
Tell the others.
Bye!
BRIDGET
“Animals are Human”? Annie. Animals are animals.
ANNIE
But animals are like people.
BRIDGET
Oh really, Annie? Look at this flat. How can I get ready?
ANNIE
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
I have a very important day today.
ANNIE
Sorry.
BRIDGET
I have big, big decisions to make. Like which dress.
What do you think?
ANNIE
Well, they’re both nice.
BRIDGET
I have such a busy morning. David Beckham, Madonna.
ANNIE
What?! You’re meeting them?
BRIDGET
No, I’m reading about them, and then I’m having lunch – with guess who?
ANNIE
Oh, er…
BRIDGET
Yes! You’ve guessed it! Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and me! Oooh!
ANNIE
Wow! Leonardo Di Caprio? Just you, and him?
BRIDGET
Well, nearly. There’ll be 45 journalists there too, but really it’s just me and gorgeous Leo!
ANNIE
You and 45 others. I see. Anyway, this cosmetic factory experiments on animals for make-up and I really feel…,
BRIDGET
Oh good, Hector, you’re here. Now you can help me choose.
ANNIE
Oh, you’re back, Hector. Was it a difficult night at work, snuggly-puppykins?
HECTOR
Yes, and the bad news is that Eunice wants me to go straight back.
ANNIE
Why?
HECTOR
There is a big news story happening today.
BRIDGET
So Hector, which dress do you like best?
HECTOR
This one.
BRIDGET
You’re sure?
HECTOR
OK, that one.
BRIDGET
But you just said this one first.
HECTOR
Yes, I know, but Bridget, I am going to Channel Nine now. Are you coming?
BRIDGET
Yes, Hector.
And I can tell you all about Leonardo and me!
ANNIE
The guinea pigs! Nick!
Sound of snoring
ANNIE
Good, they’re OK.
Sound of snoring
Sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
I’m coming!
Oh, Ziggy! Come in. Right, now, there are the posters. Now, a note for Nick. Ready, Ziggy? Bye, Charlie. Wish us luck!
Oh! Wait a minute, Ziggy.
OK, right, let’s go.
ANNIE [Composing email]
Today is a very important day!
It is protest day.
ANNIE
Wish us luck!
ANNIE [Composing email]
And don’t tell anyone I’ve stolen some guinea pigs.
ANNIE [Making phone call]
Yes, 3 o’clock. Tell the others. Bye!
BRIDGET
I’m having lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio today! Leonardo and me – oooh!
BRIDGET
Leonardo and me – oooh!!
ANNIE
Wow!
Leonardo Di Caprio!
BRIDGET
But I can’t get ready!
Annie and her hippie friends are getting ready to protest at some cosmetic factory – ha!
Doesn’t she understand how important today is for me?!
BRIDGET
I have big, big decisions to make.
Which dress?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah, Hector. At last. I want you to go straight to Garrier’s Cosmetic Factory.
HECTOR
Why?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Because some horrid hippies are protesting there.
HECTOR
Why?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Because they think Mr Garrier experiment on guinea pigs for make-up – ha! This is nonsense.
HECTOR
Guinea pigs?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hmm, you know, guinea pigs. Eee-eee-eee!
HECTOR
Oh! Guinea pigs! Oh, how sweet.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And these hippies have stolen his guinea pigs.
HECTOR
Oh.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Poor Mr Garrier adores his little guinea pigs.
HECTOR
Oh.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
He wants them back. He told me over dinner last night.
HECTOR
Who is Mr Garrier?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Mr Garrier owns Channel Nine. And Mr Garrier has said we must make these protesters look very, very stupid. Now get going!
HECTOR
Oh, oh, OK, Eunice. Oh…
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want their heads!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh-oh!
BRIDGET
Eunice?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes, Bridget?
BRIDGET
Is there anything I can do?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, yes. I have a very important job for you. Get me a coffee. Black, no sugar.
NICK
Oh, no, no, Bridget. I can’t! I’m a married man!
[Sound of telephone ringing]
Huh? Oh! What? Crazy, man! Guinea pigs!
ANNIE
They are my babies, so look after them, please!
NICK
Yeah, sure, no problem. Oh, yeah. Annie. Annie! Huh! OK, my little beauties. Time for breakfast. Come on! “Nick, very important. Keep my babies safe. I will call you. Annie.”
Huh! Does she think I’m stupid? Of course you’re safe with me. Ha-ha! Now, let me introduce myself. My name is Nick. Yeah, hello there.
Now, what’s your name? Hmm, Kevin? How do you do, Kevin? And who’s this? Janice? Is she your girlfriend, Kevin? OK, it’s not that funny. Janice, I think you’re very pretty, OK?
So! These are all your friends. Wow! There are 8 of you. You must be hungry. Shall Uncle Nick get you something nice to eat, eh? OK. Ooh! Have they split up?
Hollywood’s most beautiful couple. Hmm! Oh, yes! Yes!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
…. … …. I cannot hear you!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I said, “Find the leader”.
HECTOR
The what?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
The coordinator.
HECTOR
Which one?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Her! Her! That one!
The one with the big ears!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE
Hello.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
This isn’t a tea party. Ask her a question.
HECTOR
OK.
So how important is this protest?
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
ANNIE
Well, well, yes, it’s very important, because this factory – Garrier’s – experiments on animals for make-up.
HECTOR
And why is that bad?
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
ANNIE
Because.., oh, because the poor animals are suffering.
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
Oh, that’s dreadful.
The poor things.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ohhhhh! Oh, poor little things.
They’re just guinea pigs! Ohhhhh!
Hector, remember who Mr Garrier is? You do want your job.
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
OK, so do you think this march will help the animals?
NICK
Hey! It’s Hector and Annie.
ANNIE
This march is….
NICK
Wow, man!
ANNIE
We must stop Mr Garrier!
HECTOR
I see.
ANNIE
These scientists are using poor animals to test on hair dye, lipstick, mascara, blusher. They use…
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, tell her. Tell her we need make-up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And where are the 8 guinea pigs they stole from the laboratory?
I bet she knows. Ask her!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
OK. And do you know anything about some stolen guinea pigs?
ANNIE
The guinea pigs are safe.
NICK
Oh yeah, they’re safe with me, aren’t you, my pretty ones.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I bet she’s got those guinea pigs! Ask her! Ask her!
HECTOR
OK! Have you….
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Louder, … … …
HECTOR
Have you got…..
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
We’ve got her! Ask her again! Ask her again!
HECTOR
Have you got the guinea pigs?
ANNIE
Hector, why are you doing this? You know I love animals.
HECTOR
I’m sorry, Annie.
It’s my job.
ANNIE
Well, you can keep your job!
HECTOR
Annie, please! Wait, I’m coming!
CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!
HECTOR
“This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news.”
Annie, please! I can explain! Wait!
NICK [Composing email]
Hey, Dan, last night Annie gave me a box – and guess what was in that box?
Guinea pigs!
NICK
OK, my little beauties.
NICK [Composing email]
Ha! Of course they’re safe with me.
NICK
They’re safe with me, aren’t you, my pretty ones.
ANNIE [Composing email]
We were protesting outside Garrier’s factory and I saw Hector reporting for Channel Nine.
I thought, ‘Great, a sympathetic interview!’
Huh! His questions were so unfair!
HECTOR
“Have you got the guinea pigs?”
ANNIE
“Hector, why are you doing this?”
ANNIE [Composing email]
How could he?!
HECTOR
“This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news.” Annie, please! I can explain!
Wait!
BRIDGET
Bridget Di Caprio! Mrs Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and Bridget Di Caprio! “Hello, Mrs Di Caprio!” “Oh, call me Bridget.” “Is Leonardo there?” “No. He’s on the beach with our two beautiful children and the dogs.” Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
So aren’t you going to ask me about my lunch?”
Sound of water sprayer
NICK
Oi! What did you do that for?
BRIDGET
Aren’t you going to ask me about my lunch?
NICK
What lunch?
BRIDGET
My lunch with Leonardo!
NICK
Leonardo who?
BRIDGET
Leonardo Di Caprio, of course.
NICK
So Bridget, how was your lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio?
BRIDGET
Gorgeous!
I was so funny. He loved me, he loved my dress, he loved my name.
NICK
That’s nice.
BRIDGET
Now close your eyes. Go on, close your eyes. Ready?
NICK
Ah…
BRIDGET
Ta-daaa! What do you think?
NICK
Very nice.
BRIDGET
It was very expensive, but it’s worth it, because tonight, I’m going to a premiere. Oh, I can’t wait! I wonder if Leonardo will be there?
Now I must get ready. Tonight, this little lady’s going to shine! Tonight, this little lady’s going to shine!
HECTOR
Annie, I can explain.
Listen. Annie, please talk to me.
NICK
Hey, guys. Gre-at interview!
ANNIE
You were not fair, Hector.
You were asking awful questions.
NICK
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
HECTOR
It wasn’t me. It was Eunice.
ANNIE
Huh!
HECTOR
Hmm!
ANNIE
Oh, the guinea pigs!
Nick, where are they? I must take them to the animal sanctuary.
NICK
We’ve been having a lovely time, haven’t we, my friends! Huh! Hello!
They’re not here.
ANNIE
What do you mean, they’re not here?
NICK
I mean, they’re not here.
ANNIE
So where are they, Nick? Oh!
Squeaking noises
NICK
Everywhere?
ANNIE
Ooooh!
Sound of telephone ringing
HECTOR
I’ll get it.
Hello? Oh, hi, Eunice. Huh?
Yes, Eunice. Ho-ho, OK, Eunice.
No, Eunice.
OK, Eunice.
Bye, Eunice.
It was Eunice!
ANNIE
No.
HECTOR
And after what happened today, she says that I…
ANNIE
Oh, Hector! Your job!
She’s fired you!
Oh, I’m so sorry, Hector. It’s all my fault.
HECTOR
She says that I must tell you that she is so pleased with the interview, she wants Channel Nine to fight against animal cruelty!
ANNIE
Ohhh!
HECTOR
Channel Nine’s new motto is: “Animals are Human”!
ANNIE
Ohhhh! That’s fantastic news!
Oh, good old Eunice.
Oh! What about Mr Garrier?
HECTOR
Oh, she said don’t worry about Mr Garrier.
ANNIE
Ohhhh!
NICK
… …. errghhh!
ANNIE
Right, let’s find those guinea pigs.
NICK
Yes, right away!
ANNIE
Right, we found seven of them.
There’s just one guinea pig still missing.
NICK
He’s probably watching us.
HECTOR
Yeah, and laughing at us.
Sound of intercom buzzer
HECTOR
Hello? OK, right.
Bridget! Your taxi’s here.
BRIDGET
I’m coming.
New girlfriend, Nick?
Right, everyone, I’m just off to my premiere!
Did I mention it? Proper acting. Perhaps you could learn something, Nick.
Oops! Sorry, no spare ticket. Still, I’ll tell you all about it later. Bye! Don’t wait up!
Laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, the friends go on holiday to Spain, Bridget finds her prince and Nick finds his princess. EXTRA, don’t miss it.