Episode 18

Narrative

ANNIE
“Dear Miss Taylor, Thank you for your recent CV, but at present we haven’t got anything to suit your talents.” Ohh! “Dear Miss Taylor, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.” How surprising – blurrrhh. Grrrr! What is the point of all that studying if I cannot get a job? Right, last one. Paws crossed, Charley. “Dear Miss Taylor…”

NICK
What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?

ANNIE
“Thank you for your recent letter.”

NICK
She’s got four eyes and reptile skin.

ANNIE
“We are very pleased to tell you…”

NICK
She sees your car…

ANNIE
“…that you have been successful…”

NICK
…she slides over to it. She’s got you!

ANNIE
“…in your application as a…”

NICK
Oh yes, she is the….

NICK & ANNIE
Traffic warden!

NICK
Correct.

ANNIE
What?

NICK
I’ve just got a ticket.

ANNIE
I’ve just got a job!

NICK
Ohhh! As a traffic warden?
Annie, you’ll be one of them.

HECTOR
One of who?

NICK
Annie is going to be a traffic warden.

ANNIE
Well, I have to pass the entrance exam first.

HECTOR
What is a traffic warden?

NICK
Someone who spoils your day.

ANNIE
A traffic warden is someone who stops stupid people parking their stupid cars in stupid places.

NICK
See? It’s started.

HECTOR
Hmm, I didn’t know you wanted to be a traffic warden.

ANNIE
I didn’t know either, but no one else would have me.

HECTOR
Awww.

ANNIE
But it is good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.

HECTOR
So you will have another exam?

ANNIE
Yeah, another exam.

NICK
Ah, well, don’t worry. I can help. I’ve got experience of traffic wardens.
OK, Hector, you can be the driver and I will be the traffic warden!

HECTOR
OK.

NICK
You can’t park there.

HECTOR
Yes, I can.

NICK
No, you can’t.

HECTOR
Yes, I can.

NICK
No, you can’t.

HECTOR
Yes, I can, because this is a bus stop and I am driving a bus. Beep-beep!

NICK
Oh, the excuses I hear.

HECTOR
Oh, sorry, sorry. Emergency appointment. Bad leg.

NICK
Ohhh. Which leg?

HECTOR
No, no, no, it’s not me. It’s my hamster.

NICK
Ohh, sweet.

HECTOR
Huh? Oh, oh, sorry, Eric! Eric?
Er-hem, surely we can come to some arrangement?

NICK
Oh, of course we can, sir.
You can pay for the ticket, I can go home for my tea.

HECTOR
Sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there was no place to park. But surely we can sort this out? When a beautiful woman meets a handsome man.

NICK
Well, you’re in my little black book now, darling.

HECTOR
Rrrrrrr!
Hey, I’ve only been two minutes!

NICK
Well, I have started, so I’ll finish!

HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Sorry, I got stuck up a chimney, ha-ha-ha-ha!

NICK
Yes, and there are fairies at the bottom of my garden, sir.

HECTOR
Rudolf! … Rudolf!!

NICK
See? Now you know what to expect.

ANNIE
I can’t wait.

BRIDGET
Late ironing – penalty £20. Late washing-up – penalty £5. Oh, Annie. I need a drink. I don’t believe it. She’s clamped the fridge.

HECTOR
Did you have a good day, Bridget?

BRIDGET
Yes, I did.

NICK
Why is the TV moved?

BRIDGET
Oh?
Annie towed it away this morning. No licence.

NICK
Oh.

BRIDGET
Really, Hector, you must talk to her. She’s too serious about this traffic warden exam.

HECTOR
I do try, but if I stop to talk to her, she gives me a parking ticket!

BRIDGET
Anyway, exciting news. Channel Nine is presenting the Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.

NICK
Wow!

BRIDGET
And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?

HECTOR
Me!

BRIDGET
You, Hector! I could enter the contest myself, but I might…

NICK
… Frighten the judges?

BRIDGET
…Win. The programme will need my expertise.

NICK
And mine!

BRIDGET
So will you present the show, Hector?

HECTOR
When is it?

BRIDGET
Next Friday.

HECTOR
Oh, that’s the day of Annie’s exam.

NICK
Ooh, a double contest then!

BRIDGET
But you’ll be OK. I’ll help you.

NICK
Oh, think of those babes!

BRIDGET
It’s my job to give you all the information about the girls, so nothing can go wrong.

HECTOR
Well, OK then.

BRIDGET
Good, great.

NICK
So, when do we start?

BRIDGET
We?

NICK
Well, Hector will need an interpreter to help him talk to all those babes.

BRIDGET
Nick, you’re not getting involved in this show.

NICK [Composing email]
I got a parking ticket today. Traffic wardens – grrrr!

NICK
What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?!

ANNIE [Composing email]
I’m going to be a traffic warden!

HECTOR
What is a traffic warden?

NICK
Someone who spoils your day.

ANNIE [Composing email]
It’s a very important job.
It’s good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.

HECTOR
Oh, sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there wasn’t a place to park.

ANNIE [Composing email]
There are some very stupid people out there.

HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Exciting news from Channel Nine. The Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.

NICK
Wow!

BRIDGET
And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?

HECTOR
Me!

ANNIE
You, Hector!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Hector is presenting it, but he’ll be OK, because the contestants are my responsibility. Nothing can go wrong.

HECTOR
Well, OK then.

BRIDGET
Great.

ANNIE
You have a very difficult job.
You are right.
But a very important job.
Oh, thank you, sir.
No, I mean it.
I know, but I’ve still got to give you a ticket.
That’s OK. It’s your job.
There you are, sir. Have a nice day!
Thank you. And you.
How nice to meet a reasonable customer.

Assorted puffing noises

BRIDGET
Why are you dressed to go to war, Annie?

ANNIE
I’m going for my traffic warden exam.

BRIDGET
Are you expecting trouble?

ANNIE
There are a lot of difficult motorists out there. Oh. What have you got there?

BRIDGET
It’s the information for the Eurobabe contestants.

ANNIE
Oh.

BRIDGET
Hector must learn what each girl likes and dislikes.

ANNIE
Anything interesting?

BRIDGET
Let’s see. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. Aha! This one’s different.
Miss Holland Babe. She likes reading and her ambition – is to learn to read. Oh, here’s another one. Miss Belgium Babe. Her ambition is to go to the moon.

ANNIE
But she doesn’t like flying!
Well, it should be an exciting show!

BRIDGET
I hope so.
Well at least Hector is ready for it!

NICK
And so am I!

BRIDGET
Nick, I said no.

Audience applause

BRIDGET
Cue Hector.

HECTOR
Good evening and a very warm well…come to Channel Nine’s Eurobabe Contest live!

BRIDGET
Yes, OK, get on with it!

HECTOR
Have we got some lovely ladies for you tonight. Have we?

BRIDGET
Yes, of course we have.

HECTOR
Oh, oh, yes, yes, we have. Of course we have.
So let’s meet our lovely contestants eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe Crown!

BRIDGET
Nick, get off now. Nick! Get off now! If you don’t get off by the time I count to three, I will cut off your ears!
One – two…

HECTOR
Comedy, ha-ha-ha-ha!

BRIDGET
Cue, Miss Sweden …

HECTOR
So let’s meet our first contestant! Miss Swedenbabe! .. … .. … Miss Swedenbabe! Ha-ha-ha!

BRIDGET
This is why I didn’t want you here. What’s that? Miss Englandbabe is where?
She’s been clamped? Well, tell her to get a taxi then.
She won’t leave her Porsche? I’ll come and get her.
Who’s going to do this?
Listen to me. You have one simple job. You must tell Hector who each girl is. Their names are on these cards. Got it?
Do not mess it up.

NICK
Who, me?

HECTOR
Thank you, Miss Swedenbabe!

NICK
Miss Finlandbabe!

HECTOR
Miss Finlandbabe! … … ….., Miss Finland baby! Oh! … … Well, good luck with the elephants! Thank you, Miss Finland baby!

NICK
Miss Spainbabe!

HECTOR
Miss Spainbabe! …………….., Miss Spainbabe.
Oh, you are not Miss Spainbabe. …. …. Oh…., oh…, oh.
So Miss Italybabe, it says here that your hobbies are children and animals.
Fascinating.

ANNIE
… … … of London.
Yes! It’s your favourite traffic warden. It’s me! I passed! Oh, where is everybody? Ohhh, the Eurobabe Contest.

HECTOR
Well, good luck with the dolphins. Thank you, Miss Italybabe! Miss Hungarybabe!! …. … … …., Miss Hungarybabe! Are you hungary? Are you hungary? Oh, you are not Miss Hungarybabe.
So welcome, Miss Ono. Bienvenue, Miss France baby. La belle.

Sound of door slamming

BRIDGET
How’s it going?

NICK
Very well, no problems.
She’s a bit emotional, I think.

BRIDGET
We’ve got big problems.
Miss Englandbabe will not come here. She’s broken a nail.

NICK
Ooh, nasty.

BRIDGET
But we’ve got to have a Miss Englandbabe. We are in London.
Yes, Eunice? Right away, Eunice. Eunice wants to see me – now. Think of something, Nick, and fast!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
The good news is: Hector is doing a fantastic job presenting the Miss Eurobabe Contest.

HECTOR
Eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe crown!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
The bad news is: Miss England babe is not here.

BRIDGET
Miss Englandbabe is where?

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Her Porsche got clamped, Eunice wants to see me and I’ve had to leave Nick in charge!

NICK
Miss Spainbabe!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
It’s all going wrong. He better think of something – fast.

BRIDGET
Think of something, Nick, and fast!

NICK [Composing email]
Guess what? Hector and I are working on the Miss Eurobabe Contest! Wow! All those babes! Bridget has left me in charge. She’s a bit emotional, I think. One problem: there is no Miss England babe.

NICK
She’s a bit emotional, I think.

NICK [Composing email]
One problem – there is no Miss Englandbabe.

BRIDGET
She’s broken a nail.

NICK
Ooh, nasty.

NICK [Composing email]
But I think I have the solution.

HECTOR
And we come to our last contestant in this fantastic Eurobabe Contest! Last but not least, it is…, it is…. oh! Of course!
It is Miss Englandbabe! Welcome, Miss England.
Welcome.

NICK
Thank you, thank you.

HECTOR
Well, let’s find out about you. You like pizzas….

NICK
Uh-huh.

HECTOR
…rock ‘n roll and motorbikes. My kind of girl!
And dancing with women. I think you mean ‘men’. Dancing with….

BRIDGET
Nick!

Sound of applause

BRIDGET
What do you think you’re doing?

NICK
Well, you said you needed a Miss Englandbabe fast.

BRIDGET
I meant a woman.

ANNIE
Ooh, nice legs, Nick.

NICK
Thanks, Annie.

BRIDGET
Hi, Annie.

HECTOR
Thank you Miss Englandbabe.
Oh, and next, we find out why our babies want to represent their country.

ANNIE
There are beautiful women everywhere.

NICK
I know!

BRIDGET
Miss Englandbabe is still missing! What are we going to do?
Eunice said she’ll fire me if I don’t find someone.

ANNIE
Oh, no! No.

BRIDGET
Bingo!

NICK
Hey!

HECTOR
Oh, I hear we have a replacement for our last contestant. It is the new Miss England babe!
So tell me, Miss England baby, why do you want to represent your country?

ANNIE
I want to represent England because I care about the environment, pollution.
I care about people. And I have great legs!

Sound of applause/whistling

HECTOR
And the winner of the Channel Nine Eurobabe Contest is… Miss England baby!
Congratulations, Annie! You did it! You are the most beautiful traffic warden in Europe!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job in a kung fu movie, Bridget nearly loses her job, and what happens when Annie meets a new man?
EXTRA, don’t miss it!