Episode 25
Narrative
TV PRESENTER
It’s Friday, it’s 7 o’clock!
Yes, it’s time for an evening with Marty Ross!!
AND HERE’S MARTY!
MARTY ROSS
Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let’s spend this evening together.
[Sound of rewind on TV] Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let’s spend this evening together.
[Sound of rewind on TV ]Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let’s spend this afternoon together.
BRIDGET
[Gasping noise] Marty! Hi! I was just writing notes for your show.
MARTY ROSS
You like what you see, eh?
BRIDGET
[Laughs]
Marty, you’re so funny!
MARTY ROSS
[Clears throat]
Is Lady Macbeth in?
BRIDGET
Who?
MARTY ROSS
The dragon – Eunice.
BRIDGET
Oh. Oh no. Marty, you’re so funny!
MARTY ROSS
Has Eunice got any tickets for Damian Pollasco’s latest exhibition yet?
BRIDGET
Who?
MARTY ROSS
Damian Pollasco.
The most important artist this century.
He’s so raw, so angry.
BRIDGET
Of course he is. Silly me. I forgot.
Good old Damian.
MARTY ROSS
Anyone who is anyone will be there tomorrow night.
[Clears throat] So of course I must be there.
BRIDGET
Oh yes.
MARTY ROSS
So tell the dragon if there are no tickets, I will not present Saturday’s show.
BRIDGET
But you must, Marty! You’re the star!
MARTY ROSS
But if there are tickets, then I will take her out to dinner. In fact, I’ll take anyone out to dinner who gets me those tickets. Anyway, must go. I’ve got fans to ignore! Well? Carry on.
BRIDGET
Oh!
MARTY ROSS [On TV]
Hi, darling. Marty Ross here. Let’s spend this evening together.
MARTY ROSS
What a professional!
BRIDGET
So if I get tickets for Damian Pollasco, I get dinner with Marty Ross!
Who do I know, who do I know? I know! Dave! He’s crazy about me! [Sound of telephone number being dialed]
Hi, Dave? It’s Bridget. I’ve got a little favour to ask you.
HECTOR
Is anybody home? Annie, is that you? Is that Ziggy?
I think you should let her out.
ANNIE
Oh no, it’s OK. We’re seeing what it’s like to be a battery chicken.
HECTOR
A chicken that runs on batteries?
ANNIE
No! A chicken that is kept in a small box to lay her eggs. Poor thing.
HECTOR
But isn’t Ziggy a bit…
ANNIE
Oh no. It makes it more real, doesn’t it, Ziggy. Tomorrow there is a big Farm Animal Freedom Protest in Trafalgar Square and we will be demonstrating.
NICK
Demonstrating what?
ANNIE
What it’s like to be a farm animal.
NICK
Oh! Sounds exciting!
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are coming from Manchester.
ZIGGY
Yay!
HECTOR
Boggy and Moss?
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.
HECTOR
Eco-warriors?
ANNIE
They fight for the environment. And you two will help us prepare.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Agh!!
ANNIE
Won’t you, boys!
BRIDGET
[Laughing]
Bye!
Good old Dave. I knew he’d help me. He just can’t resist me. Now, Marty.
Sound of mobile phone
MARTY ROSS
Hi.
BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Marty. It’s Gigi.
MARTY ROSS
Gee-Gee? … … Bridget who?
BRIDGET
Bridget!
Eunice’s researcher.
MARTY ROSS
Have we met?
BRIDGET
Well, only about a hundred times!
Listen, I’ve got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.
MARTY ROSS
Oh, that Bridget. How could I forget you?
How about meeting for drinks at your place first?
BRIDGET
I’d, er, love to, but it’s just a simple loft-style apartment.
MARTY ROSS
Well, I’m sure it’s very arty. I can tell a lot about a woman from her art.
They call me Arty Marty, you know, and if I like your art, Bridget, maybe dinner afterwards?
BRIDGET
Oh, Marty! What a surprise! I’d love to!
MARTY ROSS
See you tomorrow, baby!
BRIDGET
[Giggling]
Bye!
MARTY ROSS
Ciao!
BRIDGET
Dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty! What shall I wear? My flat – arty? [Flashback sequence] – Annie, look at this flat.
ANNIE
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Right, I’ve got twenty four hours.
ANNIE [Composing email]
It is the Farm Animal Freedom Protest tomorrow and Ziggy and I want to demonstrate what it is like to be a poor farm animal.
HECTOR
I think you should let her out.
ANNIE
Oh no, it’s OK.
ANNIE [Composing email]
Boggy and Moss the eco-warriors are coming from Manchester!
ANNIE
Boggie and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.
ANNIE [Composing email]
Oh, it’s so exciting!
ANNIE
And you two will help us prepare.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Guess what? Marty Ross and I are going to the preview of Damian Pollasco’s exhibition!
BRIDGET
I’ve got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
He’s coming to our apartment for drinks first.
Marty says he can tell a lot about a woman from her art!
MARTY ROSS
They call me Arty Marty, you know.
BRIDGET
And what is going on this time?
ANNIE
Oh, hi, Bridget. I’m feeding Hector cornflakes.
BRIDGET
Oh really? And why?
ANNIE
He’s a turkey.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, of course he is.
ANNIE
Turkeys are made to eat lots for Christmas.
BRIDGET
Well, we all eat lots at Christmas.
ANNIE
No, it’s cruel. It’s to make them fat for humans to eat.
BRIDGET
Let me guess – he is a baby cow?
ANNIE
Nearly. He is a veal calf. Poor thing.
We’re preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.
BRIDGET
Oh no you’re not.
You’re preparing this flat because Marty Ross is coming for drinks.
NICK
Not Marty Ross? “Hey, darling, let’s spend the evening together.”
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.
ANNIE
So this preparation, what is it?
BRIDGET
I want this flat to look like the coolest art gallery in London — the Tate Modern.
HECTOR
The Tate Modern?
NICK
No furniture.
BRIDGET
I want 21st century. I want art!
ANNIE
So how are you going to do this?
BRIDGET
I’m not going to do it – you are!
NICK
Oh.
BRIDGET
I must get my beauty sleep. See you in the morning. Have fun!
NICK
[Sound of burping]
Well, I’m not doing it.
ANNIE
Oh, come on, Nick. It won’t take long.
NICK
Uh-uh.
ANNIE
I’ll give Ziggy the keys to your flat.
NICK
[Sound of nervous laughter]
OK, let’s get on with it!
Sound of snoring
BRIDGET
There! That’s better! Marty will love it!
ANNIE
The things I do for Bridget’s love life.
NICK
What about Bridget’s love life?
BRIDGET
Right, I’ll be back with Marty at 6 o’clock, so Annie, I want nibbles…
HECTOR
Nibbles?
BRIDGET
…nuts, crisps.
Hector, you prepare the drinks and Nick… try to be more interesting and don’t let me down.
NICK
“I want 21st century! I want art!”
Yeah! I’ll show her interesting!
Sound of door slamming
HECTOR
Poofff! I’m taking the day off work today.
ANNIE
Oh no, you’re not. We’ve got lots to do before tonight.
HECTOR
Bridget’s nibbles?
ANNIE
No! The Farm Animal Freedom Protest.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are coming here and I want you to look after them, Hector, OK? Come on, Ziggy.
NICK
Interesting? I’ll show you interesting, Bridget Evans. Hmm! Ah! Interesting, interesting! Nah, too Picasso. Whooff! No, too sporty and stupid.
Yes! This is the one! Nah. [Imitates sound of cock crowing]
Don’t be ridiculous. Nearly, not quite.
Bingo!
NICK [Composing email]
What a day! What a night!
First I had to pretend I was a veal calf for Annie’s protest photos.
ANNIE
Poor thing. We’re preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.
NICK [Composing email]
Ziggy fed me lots of milk.
Then, Bridget made us change the flat so it looked ‘arty.’
BRIDGET
I want 21st century! I want art!
NICK [Composing email]
It’s all for stupid Marty Ross.
NICK
“Hey darling, let’s spend the evening together.”
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.
Sound of knocking on door
HECTOR
Oh, ‘Oggy, Moss, mmm. Excuse me, I am not…, Come in, come in. Please sit down.
So, you are Annie’s friends, huh? I am Annie’s boyfriend. Would you like a drink? You would? You wouldn’t. Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Oh! Aha! [Sound of mobile phone ringing] It is my phone! I know you know it is a phone, but it is ringing, so I must… excuse me.
Annie, I’m so happy you rang.
ANNIE
Hector, I’m in the ladies toilets in Trafalgar Square. Have Boggy and Moss arrived yet?
HECTOR
Yes. Annie, they are a bit…
ANNIE
Aren’t they sweet?
HECTOR
Yes, very sweet. It is just that they…
… All right, chaps? Won’t be a minute.
It is just that they are a bit scary.
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, don’t be so silly.
HECTOR
Oh.
ANNIE
Tell them to come to Trafalgar Square now.
HECTOR
Great.
Oh! You found something to eat. Good. Ah, you like that? Good, good, good. Annie says you can go to Trafalgar Square. Now.
[Sound of mobile phone ringing]
Oh! It is the phone again! Phones ring, don’t they. They…, excuse me. Hello?
BRIDGET
Hello, Hector. Did you get the nibbles?
HECTOR
Oh, the nibbles, the nibbles. Yes, of course Bridget.
BRIDGET
Well done, Hector. I knew I could rely on you.
HECTOR
That was Bridget, Annie’s friend.
NICK
Now am I interesting? .. … bad? Whoa! Hey! This is interesting!
HECTOR
Nick, what shall I do?
It was Boggy and Moss.
NICK
Oh, look, don’t worry. We can tidy this up. Look! See? Look.
HECTOR
Yeah, that looks much better.
NICK
Still, at least I brought the drinks.
HECTOR
And I have the nibbles.
NICK
What?
HECTOR
The nibbles.
NICK
Very good.
HECTOR
Oh no! Boggy and Moss ate them!
NICK
Ahh! Look at this! Eh? Mmm! Tastes good. Mmm!
HECTOR
Mmm!
NICK
See? Bridget won’t even notice the mess.
BRIDGET & MARTY
[Laughing]
BRIDGET
Oh, Marty, you’re so funny! Anyway, here is my humble home.
NICK
Mr Ross, I’m a huge fan.
BRIDGET
What is that?
ANNIE
It’s a pig pen. We stole it from a farm lorry!
BRIDGET
What a shame, no pig.
ANNIE
Oh, Boggy and Moss are bringing her later.
BRIDGET
This place…
MARTY ROSS
This place is very…
BRIDGET
I’m so angry!
MARTY ROSS
Angry! I love it!
BRIDGET
Yes. Yes, it’s my angry art phase. All my own ideas, you know.
NICK
Cocktail?
HECTOR
Nibble?
MARTY ROSS
And this is fantastic. Original?
BRIDGET
Oh, very original.
MARTY ROSS
Very Damian Pollasco. Ooh, I love art.
They call me Arty Marty, you know.
BRIDGET
Oh!
MARTY ROSS
Is it… for sale?
NICK
The man’s an idiot. He wants to buy a wall.
Much too expensive.
HECTOR
Much too precious.
MARTY ROSS
Name your price.
MARTY ROSS
Can you deliver them to me tomorrow?
NICK
Sure. No problem.
BRIDGET
Nick, what’s this cocktail called?
NICK
Ah, it’s an Arty Marty. It’s rich, sickly and very thick.
Sound of laughter
BRIDGET
Oh, Nick, your date is here.
NICK
Of course she is.
Sound of pig snorting/laughter
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes to the dentist, Annie can’t speak and why does an inspector call?
EXTRA, don’t miss it!