Episode 27


Episode 27

Narrative

TV VOICE OVER
It’s time for Can You Live Without … And here’s someone you just can’t live without – it’s MARTY!!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
But what Sharon doesn’t realise is we’ve got a camera in the bathroom. Ha-ha-ha!!

ANNIE
Oh, that’s disgusting!
She must know that we can see her!

HECTOR
Ooh, I think it is quite clever!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
But what are Paul and Mandy doing in the living room?

BRIDGET
They’re kissing.
They’re kissing.

NICK
They’re not kissing, they’re whispering.

BRIDGET
What? Do you call this whispering?

NICK
Aaah! Let’s think of another name for it!

BRIDGET
Paul and Mandy said they could live without kissing for twenty four hours, and look – they’ve failed!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
And Paul and Mandy lose points for that. We’ve caught them kissing – see you after the break!

VOICE OVER/ADVERTISEMENT
Can You Live Without is sponsored by Clouds Toilet Tissue.

ANNIE
Well, I couldn’t live without kissing Hector for twenty four hours.

BRIDGET
Why don’t you try?

ANNIE
Hector! I wish you’d stop chewing gum!

HECTOR
I’m not chewing.

ANNIE
Yes you are! You’re always chewing.

HECTOR
No … ooh-ooh.

ANNIE
I bet you couldn’t stop chewing gum for twenty four hours.

HECTOR
Well yes I could, and anyway you suck your thumb.

ANNIE
I do not.
Well, only when I’m stressed.

NICK
Hey! I’ve had an idea!

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Oh no!

NICK
… We could be contestants on – Can You Live Without …?

ASSORTED SPEAKERS
Oh/ah/hmm/oh.

NICK
We could do it.
It’s just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things! It would be easy! Think of the prize money!

BRIDGET
And Marty Ross presents it.
He would come to my apartment again!

HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
Oh no!

BRIDGET
Oh Marty, he’s got such good taste.

MARTY ROSS [Flashback to previous episode]
And this is fantastic – original.

ANNIE
So what happened to Marty?

BRIDGET
Oh, he said he needed time away from me to really appreciate me.

NICK
Oh, so he dumped you then.

BRIDGET
He did not! Ow!!

ANNIE
Anyway, Bridget, are you feeling persuasive?

BRIDGET
Of course, I’m always feeling persuasive.

ANNIE
Well, it’s time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without … And then Marty can make it happen.

BRIDGET
I’ll try.
Loud thumping noise

NICK
Ow!!!

VOICE ON TANNOY
Mr Ross to Studio B please.

Sound of door opening/shutting/laughter

BRIDGET
Hello Marty.

MARTY ROSS
Hello.
Ah, erm, …

BRIDGET
Bridget!

MARTY ROSS
Bridget?

BRIDGET
Bridget, Eunice’s researcher!
We had dinner last month.

MARTY ROSS
Oh, that Bridget, erm, what do you want?

BRIDGET
I’ve got something to say.

MARTY ROSS
Well, I’m not the father!

BRIDGET
… Oh no! Nothing like that!

MARTY ROSS
Oh well, what is it then?

BRIDGET
My friends and I want to be contestants on Can You Live Without …

MARTY ROSS
Oh, I wish I could help you, but it’s not my decision, it’s the producer’s. Now, I must go.

BRIDGET
Erm, you can’t help me.
Well that’s a shame.

MARTY ROSS
Yes it is.

BRIDGET
Because I’d hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-huh. Or this. Hmm.

MARTY ROSS
Where did you get them?

BRIDGET
Hah! Don’t you remember? I’m Eunice’s researcher.
I research! Oh, I wish I could help you, but it’s not my decision, it’s the newspapers’.

MARTY ROSS
All right, all right. I’ll see what I can do.

ANNIE [Composing email]
I love the TV show Can You Live Without …

ANNIE
It’s time to persuade Marty that we want to go on Can You Live Without …

ANNIE [Composing email]
I think Bridget, Nick, Hector and I should go on it.
Sometimes I wonder whether Hector can live without chewing gum!

ANNIE
Hector, I wish you’d stop chewing gum!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Guess what! I persuaded Marty Ross to get us on Can You Live Without …

BRIDGET
… Because I’d hate for the newspapers to see this. Ah-hah. Or this.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
If we can live without our favourite things, we’ll win a super holiday.

NICK
We could do it! It’s just twenty four hours of giving up our favourite things!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
It will be easy for me, but I don’t know about the others.

Loud thumping noise

NICK
Ow!!

TV VOICE OVER
It’s time for Can You Live Without … And here’s someone you just can’t live without – IT’S
MARTY!!

MARTY ROSS
Hello darlings!
Do you want to spend the next twenty four hours with me?!

AUDIENCE
YEAH!!

MARTY ROSS
Correct answer! Yes, let’s see what the people who live – here, can live without.
But huh, it looks like they live without anything, anyway!
Now, let’s meet the contestants

Sound of cheering/applause

MARTY ROSS
You first, pretty lady, what’s your name?

BRIDGET
Oh, you already know my name, Marty.

MARTY ROSS
Hah-hah-hah, we have a pretty joker here!
Don’t get smart, sweetie, this is my show, photo or no photo.

BRIDGET
Erm, Bridget.

MARTY ROSS
Good luck, Bridget.

Applause/sound of wolf whistles

MARTY ROSS
… And who do we have here?

ANNIE
Hello. My name is Annie and I’m Hector’s girlfriend – and I love Charley, erm, my, my dog.

MARTY ROSS
So, which one could you live without?
ANNIE
Oh, erm …

MARTY ROSS
Ha-ha, enough said! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
And this is Hector. So, Hector, Annie loves her dog more than you, ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mind you, Hector does sound like a dog’s name, doesn’t it! Here Hector, here boy! Oh-oh, don’t bite!
And, last of all and least of all, ha-ha-ha-ha, it’s erm, hello, is anybody there? I know, you’re a fish, ha-ha-ha-ha!

NICK
Ahm, hi … [sound of Nick clearing his throat/stumbling over words] … Erm, Nick.

MARTY ROSS
Hi, N-N-Nick! And what do you like?

NICK
[sound of Nick stumbling over words]

MARTY ROSS
Bananas!

NICK
Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba …

MARTY ROSS
Baboons, you like baboons! You are a baboon then!
You’re a small baboon!

NICK
Ba-ba-ba …

MARTY ROSS
… It’s not baboons. You like b-babes!

NICK
B-irds …

MARTY ROSS
Sorry, this is Nick and he likes babes.

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
Well, let’s get on with it.
As usual, each of these contestants has picked one thing that their flatmates cannot live without for twenty four hours!
Bridget – you must live without chocolate [ah!] mirrors [ah!] and makeup! [Ahh!]

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
Annie, you must live without touching Hector, sucking your thumb and most of all, you must live without Charley!

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
Hector, you must live without – touching Annie and chewing gum.

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motorbikes! And all of you must live without television, magazines and music – twenty four hours of living without starts now!!

Sound of applause

MARTY ROSS
Come on, Charley. You’re coming with me.

Sound of Charley whining

MARTY ROSS
Don’t forget – I’ll be watching!

Sound of applause

NICK
No television!

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Aah!

BRIDGET
No touching. If you touch, we lose points and we won’t win a big prize. Aaah!!
No makeup, what must I look like? Ah!!

ANNIE
Ah-ah-ah-ah, and no mirrors!

NICK
[Makes baboon-type noises]

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at that guy, he looks like a monkey at the zoo! So how will they do? Top points could mean a holiday in the Caribbean!
But- if they fail they lose points and their prize holiday could be this!
Of course we might give them one or two temptations to make interesting television.
Join me after the break!

NICK [Composing email]
So, Bridget has to live without make-up, mirrors and chocolate.

BRIDGET
Aah!

NICK [Composing email]
Annie mustn’t suck her thumb and Hector must stop chewing gum. Oh, Hector and Annie mustn’t touch each other.

MARTY ROSS
You must live without touching Hector.

NICK [Composing email]
Me? I mustn’t talk about babes and motorbikes.

MARTY ROSS
Nick, you must live without talking about babes, or talking about motor bikes.

NICK [Composing email]
That doesn’t stop me dreaming about them, though!

MARTY ROSS
Twenty four hours of living without starts now!

NICK
I think it’s going to rain.

ANNIE
Do you?

HECTOR
I agree.

NICK
Manchester United are doing well.

ANNIE
Are they?

HECTOR
I agree.

NICK
I think it’s going to rain.

BRIDGET
Weather and football, is that all you can talk about?

NICK
No, well yesterday I met this really cute b…

ANNIE, HECTOR & BRIDGET
Aaah!

ANNIE
Don’t say it! Do not talk about babes or motorbikes!

HECTOR
Hey!

ANNIE
Careful!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Bridget, no mirrors, you lose ten points!

BRIDGET
But it’s not a mirror, it’s a kettle!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Don’t argue! You lose another ten points!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Well, it’s all quiet now! Ha-ha-ha! What about some temptation!

BRIDGET
Hector, what is in your mouth?

HECTOR
Nothing.

ANNIE
Are you chewing gum, Hector?

HECTOR
No.

BRIDGET
No he’s not. He’s chewing this!

ANNIE
Open!

BRIDGET
That was from the Red Sea, it cost a lot of money.
Ah! Grr! I could kill for some chocolate!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ha-ha-ha-ah! This should be fun!

BRIDGET [Reading note]
Bridget, I love the show, oh, love from, oh, Orlando Bloom! Ah! Ah! Orlando Bloom, watching me!
Oh, I hope you didn’t hear me say that! Ha-ha-ha-ha! What do I look like? Oh, what do I look like?! Oh!!

Sound of Charley whining

HECTOR
What are you doing, Annie?

ANNIE
Oh! I’m talking to Charley!
MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Annie, you must live without Charley, you lose ten points! Ha-ha-ha!

ANNIE
What?!!

ANNIE
Hector, don’t move!

HECTOR
What is it?

ANNIE
It, it’s OK, just don’t move!

HECTOR
I’m not going anywhere!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ooh, what Hector doesn’t know is that we’ve put that spider on his jumper! Ooh, this is wonderful TV!

ANNIE
Oh, think, think! Ah, one minute! Ah-ha! That’s better.
Now, we’ll just brush this little fellow off.

HECTOR
Don’t touch it!

ANNIE
It’s, it’s OK.
I’m sure it’s not poisonous!

HECTOR
How do you know?
Anyway, if you touch me, we will lose points!

NICK
[Making kissing noises]
Thank you, thank you – oh – mmm – prrr- prrr –prrr!
Yeah! [Sound of kissing] … … … Ah!

ANNIE
OK. Now – stay still! Hah!

HECTOR
Oh, oh-oh!!

ANNIE
Don’t move!
Hang on a minute!

HECTOR
Oh!

ANNIE
Hector! This is a toy!

HECTOR
Oh, ha-ha-ha! I knew that!

ANNIE
Oh Hector, you were so funny! Marty has played a trick on us!

HECTOR
Yeah, very funny!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ooh! Who’s a cross boy?! Things are getting really hot now and they’ve still got over twelve hours to go!

ANNIE
You know Hector, I really think we can do this! We can win that holiday!

HECTOR
Mmm.

BRIDGET
Hello Annie.

ANNIE
Bridget, what are you doing in there?

BRIDGET
I’m erm, just reading the electricity meter.

ANNIE
Come here.
And why are you wearing dark glasses?

BRIDGET
I don’t want Orlando to see me without make-up.

ANNIE
Bridget! Is that chocolate?!

BRIDGET
Erm, no! Oh!
But they’re from Orlando! Oh!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ha-ha-ha, no chocolate, Bridget, you lose one hundred points!

Sound of motorbike revving

NICK
Nick has entered the building!

BRIDGET
Nick!
MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Yes! Annie and Hector touched, they lose two hundred points!

ANNIE
What?!

HECTOR
It was an accident!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
Ha-ha-ha! And best of all Nick, you can’t live without motorbikes! So you lose five hundred points!

BRIDGET
No, no, no, no! You said, no talking about motorbikes, actually, big nose!

NICK
Yeah, Marty, so thanks for the present, you can keep your holiday! Hah!

MARTY ROSS [Speaking via hidden camera]
What?! You can’t do that!

NICK
Baby, fancy a ride?

BRIDGET
Ye-ah!
Oh Hector, this is for Marty, or should I say – Martina!

Sound of laughter

NICK
So Marty, if you want the bike, come and get it!

HECTOR
Sorry Marty, we can live without you!
Goodbye! Oh, and Marty I think your audience will love this picture of you!

MARTY ROSS
Oh-no-no-no!!

HECTOR
Come on Annie, we have lots of catching up to do!

ANNIE
Oh Hector, catch me!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA! Nick plays Santa, while Hector and Annie play under the mistletoe …

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumph …

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
EXTRA, don’t miss it!
BRIDGET
Oh come ye, oh come ye to da-da-da-da!


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