Episode 28
Narrative
Christmas music
ANNIE
Mmm. I love this time of year! Sleigh bells, mince pies, presents under the tree!
HECTOR
What? Easter?
ANNIE
No, silly! Christmas!
HECTOR
Oh!!
ANNIE
I’m going to show you what a traditional English Christmas is like, starting with – mistletoe.
HECTOR
Mistle-toe?
ANNIE
It’s an English tradition.
When you stand under it, you can kiss someone.
HECTOR
But – I am not under any mistletoe.
ANNIE
You are now.
HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho!!
BRIDGET
Oh, you poor things! You’re stuck together again. Don’t worry, I can help! There, panic over!
Right, I’m off.
ANNIE
What? Another television party?
BRIDGET
Not a party, three more parties. And that’s just tonight.
ANNIE
But you’ve been to a Christmas party every night for two weeks!
BRIDGET
I know, it’s so difficult being so popular. First, there’s a champagne party at the Savoy, then at nine o’clock I’ll get a taxi to the Ritz and get changed on the way.
HECTOR
What? In the taxi?
BRIDGET
Naturally.
HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho.
BRIDGET
And then at eleven thirty I’ll get a taxi to Annabel’s.
HECTOR
Annabel, who is she?
BRIDGET
Annabel’s, the night club.
HECTOR
Will you change your clothes in the taxi again?!
BRIDGET
And there I hope I will meet a young, handsome man, an early Christmas present!
Sound of door slamming
NICK
I hate Christmas!
BRIDGET
Did you have a bad day at the grotto dear?
NICK
Ha-hmm!
ANNIE
Nick, is that snow?
NICK
No.
ANNIE
Well, what’s that on your beard then?
NICK
I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly – ergh! Ha, Christmas!
ANNIE
But children love Christmas.
NICK
Hmm.
BRIDGET
Is the money good?
NICK
N-Yeah.
BRIDGET
Well, stop complaining then!
NICK
S-sss!
ANNIE
Hector and I are going to have a lovely Christmas, aren’t we Hector.
HECTOR
Mmm.
BRIDGET
Christmas is all about parties and PRESENTS!
ANNIE
So Bridget, have you got your Christmas stocking ready?
HECTOR
Ha! She’s taking her stockings off in the taxi!
NICK
Ahh! Ha-hmm-hmm.
BRIDGET
… Don’t wait up.
Sound of door closing
HECTOR
Erm, what is a Christmas stocking?
ANNIE
On Christmas Eve, you hang up your Christmas stocking and a big, jolly Father Christmas comes and fills it up with presents!
NICK
Ho-ho-ho.
Crashing noise/scream
BRIDGET
Who put that sleigh there?!!
NICK
Ooh! My sleigh! I forgot. Oh-oh-oh!
Sound of running footsteps/door slams/Christmas music
BRIDGET
Mind my leg. Oh!!
Assorted background noises
BRIDGET
Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible!
ANNIE
Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain?
BRIDGET
No, but what about the parties? I can’t go like this!
NICK
I could take you dancing!
BRIDGET
Ow!!
Christmas is cancelled!
Sound of cracker being pulled
NICK
Hey, hee-hee-hee!
HECTOR
Is that it?
NICK
Yeah, crackers are great!
HECTOR
So, what else do you have at Christmas?
NICK
Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies.
HECTOR
Mince pies.
How do you make them?
NICK
Oh, it’s just pastry and mincemeat.
HECTOR
Mince meat?
NICK
Yeah, it’s traditional, it’s sultanas, raisins and spices. It’s mince …
HECTOR
… Meat.
NICK
Yeah, ah-hah … Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock?
HECTOR
I don’t know.
NICK
An alarm cluck!
An alarm cluck! Ha-ha!
HECTOR
I don’t get it.
NICK
An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck!
HECTOR
A clock?!
Christmas music
ANNIE [Composing email]
Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe.
HECTOR
Mistle-toe?
ANNIE
It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone.
ANNIE [Composing email]
Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas.
NICK
I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly … !
ANNIE [Composing email]
Those naughty children! He-he-he!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to.
BRIDGET
It’s so difficult being so popular.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall.
NICK
Oh, my sleigh! I forgot!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
I fell over it and broke my leg!
Crashing noise/scream
Christmas music
HECTOR
Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies!
First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!
Christmas music
HECTOR
Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley.
Sound of door opening/closing
ANNIE
Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping.
HECTOR
Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie?
ANNIE
Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever.
HECTOR
I followed the rec-eep.
ANNIE
… ‘p’.
HECTOR
Mince ‘p’?
ANNIE
No, no, no. Rec-ipe.
HECTOR
Oh, rec-ipe.
ANNIE
Mmm.
HECTOR
Hmm.
ANNIE
Umm.
HECTOR
Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas!
ANNIE
Yuk!!
HECTOR
Something wrong?
ANNIE
It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley?
ANNIE & HECTOR
Hmm/Mmm/Umm.
ANNIE
Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas!
NICK
Oh!
HECTOR
Nick, what happened to your beard?
NICK
Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph!
Laughter
NICK
Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah!
HECTOR
With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm.
ANNIE
Erm, Hector.
HECTOR
Hmm?
ANNIE
What did you put in the pies?
HECTOR
Mince meat – from the best butcher.
ANNIE
This is mincemeat. This is minced meat.
HECTOR
Isn’t it the same thing?
ANNIE
Not quite.
NICK
Ha-ha! Delicious!
ANNIE
Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget.
Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music
MALE NURSE
Night-night.
ANNIE
Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing?
HECTOR
Who is Carol?
ANNIE
Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money.
NICK
Let’s do it! Hmm!
ANNIE
For charity!
For poor little children.
NICK
Huh!
ANNIE
Some children have no Christmas.
BRIDGET
Just like me.
ANNIE
And your job as Santa Claus is so important.
You help children to believe in Christmas!
NICK
Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do.
My job is important! I help children to believe!!
Christmas music
ANNIE
Right, let’s go!
BRIDGET
I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs.
HECTOR
And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie.
BRIDGET
Oh, all right.
Christmas music
BRIDGET
Ugh!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
“Away in a manger …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE
Dog in a manger, more like, good night!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
“Silent night …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE
I wish you were, all night!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car ….”
OFF SCREEN VOICE
Get lost!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
“Merrily on high …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE
Get ‘em Gnasher.
Sound of dog barking
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK
“O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph …”
Sound of dogs barking
BRIDGET
[Voice fades into background singing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful]
Christmas music
HECTOR
Hi Annie, I like the tree.
ANNIE
Oh thank you, it’s nearly finished.
HECTOR
Please, use these. My decorations.
ANNIE
Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina?
HECTOR
No, Oxford Street. Aren’t they great!
ANNIE
Oh, great.
Sound of door opening/closing
ANNIE
Oh, hi Nick. How was your last day as Santa Claus?
NICK
Great! Such nice children. One of them let me play with his binoculars!
ANNIE
Really.
NICK
Oh, and I’ve just finished my Christmas shopping.
ANNIE
But the shops are shut now.
NICK
No, the petrol station was open. Look I’ve bought my mum this.
HECTOR
A map of Watford.
ANNIE
But your mum doesn’t live in Watford.
NICK
Oh I know. She might go there one day, though! I bought shampoo for my sister.
HECTOR
Car shampoo.
NICK
Yeah, and after shave for my dad. Ha-ha-ha! Mmm.
I like the tree. Ooh, but I love these! Hey, I’ve got some too, it was the last day of the grotto today, so they were throwing these away. Ha-ha, can you believe it! Ha-ha!
Christmas music
ANNIE
No!
Christmas music
HECTOR & NICK
Perfect.
ANNIE
Well, it might make Bridget laugh.
HECTOR
Why?
ANNIE
I know, if Bridget can’t go to her parties, let’s have a party here!
NICK
When?
ANNIE
Oh, I don’t know. In about fifteen minutes!
BRIDGET
Oh! Oh! Look at the Christmas tree!
ANNIE
I know. It makes me want to cry too.
BRIDGET
What’s the point of having Christmas if I can’t go to my Christmas party?! Now Christmas just makes me cry!
HECTOR
Oh, Bridget, cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Day.
BRIDGET
[Sound of crying]
HECTOR
Have you got your stocking?
BRIDGET
Yes.
NICK
Hah, yes, and I’ve got mine!
ANNIE
What are you hoping for? A motor bike?
NICK
Ye-es! Why not?
BRIDGET
The only thing that will make this Christmas worse is if you invited all my friends round for a surprise party to cheer me up.
Sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
Ah.
ASSORTED VOICES
Surprise!!
BRIDGET
Oh!!
ANNIE [Composing email]
Hector made us mince pies.
HECTOR
And now the mince meat, from the best butcher!
ANNIE [Composing email]
The problem is, he used minced meat, instead of mincemeat.
ANNIE
Yuk!
ANNIE [Composing email]
Oh well! He did try!
HECTOR
They smell good, don’t they Charley.
HECTOR, NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE
“Silent Night …”
NICK [Composing email]
To cheer Bridget up, we went carol singing.
ANNIE, NICK, BRIDGET & HECTOR
“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE
Good night!
NICK [Composing email]
People loved us!
BRIDGET
“Joyful and triumph …”
ANNIE [Composing email]
I also organized a surprise party for Bridget, she was surprised!
Sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
Ah.
ASSORTED VOICES
Surprise!!
BRIDGET
No-oo!
ANNIE [Composing email]
Tomorrow is Christmas Day and Bernard is coming for lunch. What fun!
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
Hang on, I’m coming!
BERNARD
Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!
ANNIE
Oh, hello Bernard, merry Christmas.
I’m sorry, we had a little party last night.
BERNARD
Erm, I’m here for dinner.
ANNIE
Isn’t it a bit early?
BERNARD
Ten o’clock, time for a sherry.
ANNIE
Bernard, where’s your mother?
BERNARD
At church.
Sound of TV being switched on
ANNIE
Well I’ll just go and get dressed.
Christmas music
NICK
“To Bernard, Love from Annie.” Ha-ha.
BERNARD
Sherry. Thanks, Annie. Nearly finished this one.
NICK
“To Bridget, Love from Annie.”
BRIDGET
A – a flea collar. I haven’t got fleas!
ANNIE
I’m sorry, Bridget, wrong label. It was meant for Charley!
NICK
Hah! Is she sure it was meant for Charley?! Ha-ha! “To Bridget, from Hector.” Ooh!
BRIDGET
Oh thank you Hector, you shouldn’t have. What to Wear at Christmas Parties. Oh!!
HECTOR
I bought it before you …
BRIDGET
I’ve got a little something for you, Nick.
NICK
Whoo-hoo, goody! ‘Gorilla – because you are the original man.’ Whoo, ha-ha, it smells like a gorilla.
BRIDGET
Well, you should know.
NICK
Ooh, I wonder what this could be. Ah.
HECTOR
Merry Christmas, sugar plum.
ANNIE
Merry Christmas, snugly-puppykins.
One heart, forever.
BRIDGET
This will stop it!
ANNIE
Bridget, nothing will stop my love for Hector.
Sound of coughing
ANNIE
Well …
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I just called to say Merry Christmas!
Ah! Mmm!
Christmas music
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah! Hector, Mmm.
Bridget, what has happened to you?
BRIDGET
I had an accident.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, what a pity! You’ve missed some fabulous parties, especially at the Beckhams. Elton John, he’s a very naughty boy! Ha! Still, never mind, there is always next year. OK, must dash. Off to a top restaurant for lunch.
BRIDGET
Erm, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes.
BRIDGET
Before you go, have a mince pie. Nick.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh.
Spraying noise
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, I shouldn’t.
But, it’s Christmas.
BERNARD
It’s true, there is a Santa!
And she’s a woman! Wait for me!
I want to tell you what I really want for Christmas!
NICK
Ha-ha-ha!
HECTOR
Hey, can you smell something?
NICK
Yeah. Is something burning?!
HECTOR
Ah, I forgot – the turkey!
Christmas music/assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
Water, water, we need water!
Not on me! On the turkey!
NICK
Oooh!
Assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
Move! Move!
Assorted noises/shouting
HECTOR
There, the fire is out.
NICK
Anyone for turkey?!
ANNIE
Shall we just have pudding?
BRIDGET
Erm, no mince pies, thanks.
HECTOR
Oh, I have another surprise for you. Another English Christmas tradition. Chocolate log. One slice or two?
Christmas music/sound of sawing
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick wants to join the SAS, Bridget and Annie train the boys for action and why is Hector home so late?
ANNIE
Hello, Hector!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
EXTRA, don’t miss it!