Episode 29


Episode 29

Narrative

NICK
[Makes assorted noises]
Ooh/Aah!Ooh!

BRIDGET
Hello Nick. Have you lost a button?

NICK
Ahh! Ha – hi Bridget. Huh-uh. … I’ve just … practising. Ha-ha!

BRIDGET
Practising what?

NICK
I am going to join – the SAS.

BRIDGET
Special Air Service?

NICK
Yeah.

BRIDGET
You? [Sound of incredulous laughter]

NICK
What’s so funny?

BRIDGET
Nick, the SAS is for tough guys! Real men who are fit.
They’re highly trained.

NICK
I was in the Scouts.

BRIDGET
You [yeah] were in the Scouts?
[Sound of amused laughter]
Oh Annie, Nick’s going to join the SAS.

ANNIE
Oh, that’s wonderful, Nick. Erm, don’t you need special training?

BRIDGET
It’s OK, he was in the Scouts! [Sound of laughter]

Sound of TV being switched on

HECTOR [Introducing Camping Show on TV]
Hello. [Crashing noise]. Here in the National Camping Exhibition …

ANNIE
Oh, there’s Hector.

HECTOR
… It is all tents, tents, tents.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… In every shape, size and colour.

ANNIE
And Eunice.

HECTOR
… And we will be showing you the best …

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
… And the worst of camping.

HECTOR
So, stick around … back to studio.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now Hector?

HECTOR
Oh, ha-hmm.

HECTOR & EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Ah – ha-hmm.

ANNIE
[Impersonating Eunice]
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags, Hect-or?
Huh!

BRIDGET
Calm down Annie, it’s only a television report.

ANNIE
I know but, well he’s been working with Eunice a lot recently.

BRIDGET
… And?

ANNIE
And well I’m just worried that he, well, that she, well, oh you know!

BRIDGET
Annie, don’t be silly, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Although – Hector is a good looking man!

NICK
Yep, and she’s a good looking woman.
ANNIE
Ooh!!

Sound of film music on TV

NICK
Brrr! Pow-pow-pow! Incoming, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy …
I was watching that!

BRIDGET
Not any more. Go on, it’s late, back to your own tent.

NICK
What’s so funny?

BRIDGET
You, a scout! [Giggling noises]

NICK
Yes, so!

BRIDGET
I can just imagine – trying to light fires.
Sound of twigs being rubbed together/match being lit

BRIDGET
Helping old ladies across the road.

Sound of traffic

BRIDGET
Tying knots.

ANNIE
[Giggling noises]

Sound of shoes being dropped

ANNIE
What was that?

BRIDGET
I didn’t hear anything.

Sound of door being opened

ANNIE
Hello Hector!

HECTOR
Oh, good evening, Annie.

ANNIE
Don’t you mean ‘good morning’? Where have you been?!

HECTOR
Oh, you know, for a couple of beers.

ANNIE
Who with?

HECTOR
With the lads.

ANNIE
Oh, so erm, when did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!!

HECTOR
Oh, I forgot, Eunice was there too.

ANNIE
Oh, so erm, what did you talk about?

HECTOR
Tents.

ANNIE
Tents? You talked about tents all night?!
Where? In her tent? Or yours?!!

Sound of door slamming

HECTOR
Annie! An…

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Guess what? Nick is training to be in the Special Air Service.

NICK
I am going to join the SAS.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
He thinks it’s the same as being a Scout!

NICK
I was in the Scouts!

ANNIE [Composing email]
Hector has been working a lot with Eunice recently.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now, Hector?!

HECTOR
Oh!

ANNIE [Composing email]
And he came home at 1.15 in the morning.

ANNIE
Where have you been?
ANNIE [Composing email]
‘A few beers with the lads,’ he said. Huh! I could smell Eunice’s perfume on him!

ANNIE
When did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!!

Rustling noise

HECTOR
Oh yes! I’ve got it!

NICK
Oh, it was my turn for the toy!

HECTOR
No, you’ve got The Incredible Hulk.
So I get two turns.
Pow!! [Laughs]
Hey, Nick.

NICK
Uh?

HECTOR
What do you think of Eunice?

NICK
Ha! Well, she isn’t an English Rose.

HECTOR
No, I don’t think she is a flower.

NICK
No, it’s a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie.

HECTOR
Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl!

NICK
No. Eunice is more, erm …

HECTOR
What is that plant that grows all over walls in England?

NICK
Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy?

HECTOR
Yeah, ivy.
Eunice is more like English ivy.

NICK
What do you mean?

HECTOR
Well she …
NICK
… Likes dancing?

HECTOR
No, no, she …

NICK
She’s all over you?

HECTOR
Yeah.

NICK
Hah. Do you like it?

HECTOR
Mmm.

NICK
[Makes whistling noise]
I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo.

Sound of door slamming

BRIDGET
What’s so funny? Come on, share the joke!

ANNIE
It’s Hector.

BRIDGET
Hector came home late last night, is that it?

ANNIE
He was out with Eunice!

BRIDGET
Oh, don’t worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, that’s all. Hey, this’ll cheer you up. Look what I found.

ANNIE
Oh, it’s pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah.
Oh, and you’re wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah.

BRIDGET
It still fits!

ANNIE
Ooh, look at all your badges!

BRIDGET
What was the Brownie law?
A Brownie guide thinks of others before herself …

ANNIE
… And does a good turn every day.
Sound of door slamming

BRIDGET
Remember the Brownie law, Annie.

ANNIE
OK. OK. Hello Hector, how are you? [Sound of kissing]

HECTOR
Fine.

ANNIE
Did you have a good night’s sleep? What was left of it!

NICK
Dib-dib, dob-dob. Ha-ha. What’s all this then?

BRIDGET
It is the Brownie salute.

NICK
Ha! That’s not a salute! This is a salute. What do you think, Hector?

HECTOR
Well both salutes are nice.

BRIDGET & ANNIE
Brownies.

NICK
Boy Scouts.

BRIDGET & ANNIE
Brownies!

NICK
Boy Scouts!

HECTOR
What are you talking about? What are Brownies? Biscuits?

ANNIE
When Bridget and I were little girls, we were Brownies.
We went camping, we sang songs.

BRIDGET
We were given badges for good works.

NICK
Huh! Brownies are for girls! In the Scouts we survived!

BRIDGET
It was just like being in the SAS, wasn’t it Nick.

NICK
Hah-huh.
HECTOR
But what are all those badges for?

BRIDGET
This one is for first aid.

HECTOR
Ah-hah, and what is second aid – or third aid!

NICK
Hah-hah!

ANNIE
First aid is for helping people who are HURT!

HECTOR
How hurt?

BRIDGET
Like if they can’t breathe.

ANNIE
Shall I demonstrate, Bridget?

BRIDGET
Go ahead, Annie.

ANNIE
Lie down, please, Hector.

Thumping noise

ANNIE
Now, this is called the kiss of life.

HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho, sounds good!

ANNIE
It means I breathe into your mouth!

HECTOR
Aha. Oh! [Sound of coughing]

ANNIE
And if you still can’t breathe, I do this.

HECTOR
Well, that is … … Oh!! Oh!!

ANNIE
And I keep doing this, until you can breathe!

HECTOR
Oh!! Oh!!

ANNIE
Are you breathing yet?

HECTOR
Yes, yes, yes, I can breathe!

ANNIE
Ah! And that is my good turn for the day.

BRIDGET
Now Nick,, bites and stings.

NICK
No thanks.

NICK
Of course, when I was in the Scouts, I went camping.

BRIDGET
So did we.

NICK
Ah, but this was proper camping, survival.

ANNIE
What, like the SAS?

NICK
Ha! We had to live off the land.

BRIDGET
What? No tins of baked beans?

NICK
No.

HECTOR
Whoa!

BRIDGET
So could you do a survival test?

NICK
Yeah, no problem.

HECTOR
Yeah.

ANNIE
Right then. We will give you a survival test.

HECTOR
Great! What is a survival test?

NICK
You’ll see, Just be prepared.
ANNIE
Ready for your survival test, boys?

NICK
Certainly am.

HECTOR
Aha.

ANNIE
OK, test number one. [Girls put on Australian voices]

BRIDGET
The jungle is full of horrible things that creep and crawl.

ANNIE
And some that wriggle everywhere.

NICK & HECTOR
Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

BRIDGET
Especially worms!

NICK & HECTOR
Ah!! Ah!! Ooh!! Ahh!!

ANNIE
OK. Test number two.

NICK & HECTOR
Ah! Ooh!

ANNIE
Food!

BRIDGET
You have run out of food, so you have to eat whatever you can find.

NICK & HECTOR
Egh?!

BRIDGET
Open very wide please! Ready?!

NICK & HECTOR
Ah! Ooh!

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Beetles!!

NICK & HECTOR
Ahh! Ugh!! Ahh!

ANNIE
OK. Test number three.
BRIDGET
Pain!!

NICK
Oh-ahh-ahh!

BRIDGET
I haven’t touched you yet!

ANNIE
I’m sorry boys, you have failed the survival test.

HECTOR
But erm, in the jungle it is going to be different.

NICK
Yeah, we were just pretending.

HECTOR
Aha.

NICK
It wasn’t real.

HECTOR
Oh-ho!

ANNIE
What? Like real camping.

NICK
Uh.

BRIDGET
Why don’t we do it?

HECTOR
Do what?

BRIDGET
Let’s go camping!

NICK
We haven’t got a tent.

ANNIE
Well, Hector can get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition.

NICK
Huh?

ANNIE
Well isn’t tomorrow the last day of the exhibition?

HECTOR
Yeah.
ANNIE
And you and Eunice will be doing another report!

HECTOR
Yeah!!

ANNIE
Well then, you can buy a tent and come home early.
Oh, you’ll miss your drinks after work. Shame!

Slapping noise

HECTOR
Oh!

Sound of door slamming

NICK [Composing email]
Hector must be careful.
I think Eunice is after him.

HECTOR
What do you think of Eunice?

NICK [Composing email]
And he likes it!

NICK
I see trouble ahead.

NICK [Composing email]
And Bridget and Annie have been showing us what they did in the Brownies.
First Aid, for example.

ANNIE
Lie down please, Hector.

NICK [Composing email]
Huh! That’s for girls. Not like the Scouts.

NICK
That’s not a salute. This is a salute.

ANNIE [Composing email]
This afternoon Bridget and I gave the boys a survival test.

ANNIE
Ready for your survival test, boys?

NICK
Certainly am.

HECTOR
Ah-huh.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Test number one: are they afraid of worms?

BRIDGET
Worms!!

NICK & HECTOR
Ah!! Ah!

ANNIE [Composing email]
Test number two. Could they eat anything in order to survive?

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Beetles!

ANNIE [Composing email]
Test number three: pain!

NICK
Aagh!

ANNIE [Composing email]
Hector is going to get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition … and then we will really go camping!

BRIDGET
Let’s go camping!

ANNIE [Composing email]
We’ll see who the real men are!

HECTOR
In the jungle it is going to be different.

Crashing noise

HECTOR
Oh, shush … shush-shush, you will wake Annie. Shush! Hey, I have an idea. I must show you to Annie. Shh, shh. You know, I have a better idea. Ha-ha-ha! Come, come!
Come, you too, come, come.

Sound of door slamming/sound of clanging tent poles

HECTOR
Nick!

NICK
Ah!

HECTOR
Nick, wake up!

NICK
Oh, no more beetles! Ah! Hector?!

HECTOR
Nick.

NICK
What’s going on?

HECTOR
I’ve got it.

NICK
Got what?

HECTOR
The tent!

NICK
Oh, that’s nice.

HECTOR
Come on, let’s put it up.

NICK
What?

HECTOR
The tent!

NICK
Oh, Hector! Have you seen the time?

HECTOR
No.

NICK
It’s three o’clock in the morning!

HECTOR
Is it?

NICK
Yeah.

HECTOR
Really?

NICK
But wait a minute. Where have you been?

HECTOR
For a couple of beers – and a dance.

NICK
What’s that on your collar?

HECTOR
Paint.

NICK
Oh, pink paint. Nice.

HECTOR
When Annie wakes up, she is going to be cross with me.

NICK
If she sees that on your collar, she will be. Have you been dancing with Eunice?

HECTOR
Ye-es

NICK
[Makes whistling noise]
You are dead!

HECTOR
But, when Annie sees that I bought the tent, she is going to forgive me.

NICK
At three o’clock in the morning?!

HECTOR
Late night shopping!

Sound of door opening and closing

NICK
Sssh!

Crashing noise/sound of Charley growling

HECTOR
It is OK, Charley, it is me, Hector.

NICK
Where shall we put it?

HECTOR
HERE!
[Whispering] Here, in the middle.

NICK
Guy ropes.

HECTOR
Ha? What? Guy Ropes, who is he?

NICK
No. Guy ropes. Ropes called guy ropes.

HECTOR
Oh, somewhere here …

NICK
Ah!

HECTOR
Hey, look …

NICK
That’s them …

HECTOR
Ah-hah!

NICK
Tie them to the furniture.

HECTOR
Aha.

Assorted rustling noises

HECTOR
There, that is it.

NICK
Right, let’s go to bed.

Sound of door opening and closing

ANNIE
Oh! What, what’s this? Who put that there?!

HECTOR
Hi Annie, I’ve bought you a tent.

BRIDGET
What is going on?

HECTOR
Well, do you like your tent? Eh?

NICK
Anyone for camping? Ah!

Assorted howling noises

ANNIE
Oh, it’s so cold!

HECTOR
I’ll warm you up.

ANNIE
Did somebody say something?

BRIDGET
I want a hot drink!
We can’t even make a fire!

ANNIE
And there’s no water left!

NICK
How long have we been here?

BRIDGET
Oh, it feels like ages!

Assorted rustling noises

BRIDGET
It’s so creepy.

ANNIE
Yeah. Very creepy.

HECTOR
[Snoring loudly]

ANNIE
Oh, are you tired, Hector? Did you have another LATE NIGHT with Eunice?!

BRIDGET
So who’s going to go outside and get us some water.

ANNIE
Well I won’t.

BRIDGET
Well I won’t either.

NICK
Oh all right, I’ll go, but if I’m not back in ten minutes, you can have my Action Man collection.

BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off you go.

NICK
Uh-uh, oh!

Sound of howling/rustling noises

MRS JESSOP
Morning, Nick dear. Thought you and your friends would like a nice cup of tea.

NICK
Oh, thanks Mum.

ANNIE
Oh, thanks Mrs Jessop.

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new job. Hector receives a phone call from Lola and Annie is looking for trouble.

NICK
It’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be Lola?

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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